Niftywench Speaks

Note to self

2011-04-08T10:07:00.002-05:00

it will get better.

i know, but right now it really sucks.

well, buck up, little camper, as Charles De Mar used to tell Lane Meyer.

I'll do the best I can.

i have my Performance Review at work today.
those always make me nervous, even though my boss lady tells me I Rock every day.

I should listen to her. i DO rock.
even though i am tired and i forgot my lunch today.

ok, well, I've got to go.

*cursing stupid Filemaker*

jenne out.

2011-04-07T11:10:00.001-05:00

i wish the pain would stop.
the worrying.
the hurts.
i wish i could find a job that i can handle being at, without having to constantly get up and walk away and try to smile.
and i wish i wish i could defeat the evils in my mind and body.

the end.

hi, i'm Jenne.

2010-06-28T13:44:00.001-05:00

Epic.

Epic is the name of the song that just started on the radio. Well, not the radio, but the stream. Epic is a word i don’t use often, but I like when people use it to describe a win or a fail.

I also like when the spell check understand what I tried to type when my brain spells it backwards. I right click, and lo and behold, the correct spelling is RIGHT THERE, even though it didn't look close to the original word.

Your faith walks on broken glass...
My faith in certain things and situations and people has been on the fence at times but somehow i find my way. i draw my faith from different paths i’ve taken. I like my life this was. I like ME this way. the bits that don’t fit properly may find their was one day, but even if they don’t, I’ll handle it!

I finally watched the movie 500 Days of Summer. I was excited to watch it because i’d heard it was good. I liked the way the movie was made; i liked the way it looked. I had a hard time with the story. It hit a bit too close to home in some ways. It brought back some heartache i’d had in the past that i’d worked so hard to remove from my brain. I did not like revisiting it, because that part of my life was hard. I mean, i’m over it at this point in my life, but it felt like someone was trying to reopen a wound that had healed so long ago. But damn, a flash mob dance sequence to a Hall and Oates song made the rest of the movie dealable.

My name is Jenne. I want to write about stuff and when i do, i’ll do it here. Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Cassidy = Awesome. 12/2009

2010-02-18T14:03:00.003-05:00

Cassidy = awesome.

I brought her the other night to an in store They Might Be Giants show at the Borders in Braintree. TMBG were promoting their new children’s book “KIDS GO”. We meet Patrice there, who is in this new frenzy of love for The Twilight Thing. That alone was fodder for laughter, but it got better as the night went on. There was a giant Twilight display near the spot we staked out for the show. Cassidy points and tells Aunt Patrice “that is Eggward. He is a vampire and he loves the girl with the brown hair.” One parent starts laughing at the fact that Cass even remotely CARES about the story. It amuses me greatly, the things Cass picks up on. As we sat talking Patrice asks Cassidy “who do you like better, Edward or Jacob?”. Cassidy says “AWOOOOO!”.
Seriously. She howled like a wolf. This caused me to snarf my peppermint mocha drink. At this point Patrice goes to get more drinks and napkins. Cassidy begins to chat with other people. She meets Issac, whose dad was the one LOL’ing at Cass earlier. The kids chat a bit, they are both three, and then Cass asks Issac ‘would you like to play a game?” he says ok, and the dad asks ‘What game, Cassidy?” and she yells “ROCKPAPERSCISSORSLIZARDSPOCK!” i think half the adults turned around to look and i heard a bunch of people say YES!!! It was too funny. Issac’s dad was SO impressed that Cass knew that version of the game. There were about 15 rounds of it before TMBG came out to start the show. Patrice says “Do those guys AGE?!?” they play a great little set that I had to hold Cass for because EVERYONE stood up and she could not see. She wanted to see THE DRUMMER. So cute. We rock out to Alphabet of Nations, Dr. Worm, Clap Your Hands and a few more. Then we get to wait in line to meet them! I have met TMBG MANY times before – in fact the first time was the day Patrice met Joey Mac from NKOTB and they fell all cute for each other. Cass waited very patiently, and handed her book to Flans. He asked her name and she SPELLED it to him. he says “Hey, that spells CASSIDY! I like that name!” he then offers her a ton of TMBG stickers, and passes her book to Linnell, who says hello and gives her the book. Then she sees THE DRUMMER, who is named Marty, and says “You were my favorite PART!” and he leans down and whispers “don’t tell those guys ok?” and winks at her. She giggles and says ‘please sign my book!’ and he smiled big and signed ‘Marty Beller – DRUMMER”.

It was a very fun night and Cass continues to rock my world..and i guess others as well!!!

"I'm not ashamed - i'm gonna show my scar"

2009-12-18T13:04:00.000-05:00

TWO YEARS.

Billy left us two years ago and while the world has been a much quieter place, We carry on and we sing about him, speak about him and his spirit is alive in SO many of us. The music he loved brings us great memories, and moments to bawl our eyes out. But music is what has helped hold me together in the pain of losing my dearest and very first friend, a sibling who helped me to make it through the toughest times. Little did I know his leaving this world so early would be the toughest times yet. And what did I look to in those darkest moments? MUSIC. Some turned to Faith, some turned to therapy, so didn’t turn to anything or anyone. In those first few months, I immersed myself in music. I would go out for a drive, by myself, and play songs that i could sing along or scream along to. Even in the days we were in Virginia Beach, music came to comfort me, to help me confront my feelings, my pain. I feel that Bill would send me this music – i turn on the radio and The Offspring’s “Gone Away” would instantly start. Another day, i’m driving around in the freezing rain, feeling despondent and lost, and the radio begins Smashing Pumpkins ‘Muzzle’, which i feel is Bill’s song. It’s not a song you would usually hear on the radio. I sang along and sobbed through it and ended up stopping the car, screaming alone in the car, angry at those people that blew up New York, angry at Sarcoid for existing, and even angry at Bill for leaving me, for leaving us. After bruising my hands and arms from beating the car, right afterwards “Your Spirit’s Alive” by the Dropkick Murphys came on – and i felt the hint through the music. Bill’s spirit is alive, in me, in all of us, in our nephews and my daughter. Two years later, my scar of loss is still healing, and it opens up here and there to help me get the hurt out some more. But I feel that peace has finally started to come to me. Somehow, i woke up yesterday morning and felt OK. I felt Bill smiling at me from somewhere and telling me he was ok, and get up and have an AWESOME day. Which is exactly what i did. I will continue to Carry On, live my life to the fullest and honor my brother however I can. THANK YOU to everyone who has supported us, Bill’s Friends and Family, through these two years. I leave you with my usual signature of lyrics. These being from My Chemical Romance, from a CD given to me by a great lady and I hope she knows how much it means to me, even all these years later.

“And when you're gone we want you all to know

We'll carry on, We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
Until my heart I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it”

2009-11-02T16:23:00.001-05:00

Well, we are mostly moved into our new home. Our home! To bring y’all up to speed, my awesome mother in law, Momma T, sold her smaller house with the tiny apartment and bought a large two family home, for Michael, Cass and I to share with her. She did this to help us out, and i am eternally grateful. We moved in last Tuesday, and to put it bluntly, the former tenants left it a freakin mess. They left a ton of junk in the basement, attic, and second floor. They left the place so dirty that i’ve only been able to put a dent in it. I finished the kitchen last night. The walls all need to be redone. the stripping of wallpaper and painting of walls will happen soon. We will also need to pull up the disgusting wall to wall carpet, that is so stained in places i cannot imagine living like that. utterly gross. They even left half-filled ashtrays and cigarette butts! All the drawers in the kitchen had crumbs and spilled food in them. There is a layer of dust everywhere. Our stove is unusable. And so many other things i could list – but all in all, WE HAVE A PERMANENT HOME!!!!! And we get to make it our own. So i am really looking forward to that. i’ve never done any kind of home improvement.
Maybe I can call Ty Pennington to come over and help. heh heh heh...

But really, if anyone has any advice/help/ideas, let me know. It’s appreciated. I also want to have a painting party soon. If anyone likes to paint and is local, let me know!! I am also trying to figure out the whole pulling up old carpet thing. I am hoping we have decent floors underneath.

I hope everyone had a good Halloween/Blessed Samhain! We had a good time. Cassidy wore her mermaid costume and was very happy with her red hair. :) we did lots of trick or treating and saw Jack Skellington! The week before Cass and I met my lovely friend Kim (who I worked with at Target Pharmacy when I lived in the Poconos) and her family in Salem. Cass and I went on the Ghost Hunt tour with them and we visited a really lovely shop called Crow Haven Corner. I used to be a Witch and have kind of stopped all religious type practice for a few years now..but being in that shop i felt such a sense of peace i had not felt in a very long time.

Hmmm. Something to think about.

music

2009-10-29T13:15:00.002-05:00

you know how music can totally own your soul? your spirit? how it can heal wounds? ease pain? well, it does that for me. every time i find myself losing it, i scramble for something to soothe me, or something to get ANGRY with, or just something to put in my head besides the madness or pain or anger i don't feel like dealing with at the moment. I will put on that album from the 80s that brings tears to my eyes, or find that song i downloaded of that goddess with a ukelele covering a song that makes me feel like someone totally gets me. some days it's only Billie Joe that i want to hear. this angry punk boy grown up to write songs that made me feel things i had not let myself feel in a long time. Music..sometimes i feel like it is my true religion.

my new life...

2009-04-02T12:40:00.002-05:00

My new life, it has less teeth. lower blood sugar. a sick tummy. a less scrambled brain. blood work. more energy. it has the same wonderful amount of love and smiles, troubles and falls. I feel different. i feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. these years and years of wondering why, WHY do i not feel right? Why can't i do well in the things i want? why can't i concentrate?? why can't i remember things, important things? why did i do things i am so regretful for? WHY??

So after months and months of talk therapy, Monique mentions ADD. I have mentioned that two of my sisters have it. I began reading about it and talking to people, and after a few weeks i see a psychologist for testing, talk and such. we speak for almost 2 hours, me answering questions for her and describing things. She had requested and received my school records from middle school and high school, and she gave me the official diagnosis.NOT bipolar. ADD. for years i felt like nothing was ever going to be right, even with great people in my life and a loving family and a baby. i just never feel like things are OK. every day, i'm waiting for the bad thing to happen. day in day out, which is then causing me huge amounts of anxiety i can't control.

i began meditating a while ago at MOnique's urging and it has been helping a bit, but the problem was i could NEVER set my mind to it..it would be off wandering, looking for the shiny thing it just saw. I feel now this may be a possibility as last night i tried it before bed. i fell asleep at midnight and did not wake up until Mike came in to kiss me goodbye at 6. this is HUGE for me. i ususally wake uup 10-15 times a night to check that Mike is ok, that Cass is ok. i try to get back to sleep and then those demons enter my brain and scare the crap out of me. Last night, i fought those demons as hard as i could. i asked them to get out of my head, let me be. GIVE ME PEACE. and they left. my dreams were full of win. i think there were turbines even!

This past monday i began taking Adderall. i also started taking iron pills to help my blood. Additionally i went back to face one of my biggest fears - The Dentist. My teeth have been falling apart for a few years and even getting cleanings were painful. i now have a very good hygenist and a very cool and nice dentist. No one judged me, picked on me or hurt me. everything was done with a smile and with respect. afterward, Dr. M and i spoke about what had to be the next step: oral surgery. the removal of 5 teeth. and something to replace them. i'm ready to do this now. i am not afraid. it is going to be ok.

after writing all this, the first thing that comes to mind is "I miss Bill". i want to call him and hear his voice but instead i just talk to him in othe ways. i know he hears me. i know he's there. but man, a years and 3 months later, i'm still feeling like a chunk was ripped out of my heart.

Thanks for reading my blog.

I pity the fool who plays a trick on me today!

2009-04-01T14:00:00.000-05:00

Well, i don’t know of any fools i pity at the moment. I do know that this new Blog Every Day Of The Month might drive me nutty, but i am willing to try it. Today i don’t have much of anything to chat about. At least not now, but i will try again later tonight. Later, after LOST has messed with my head and someone else has been voted off Idol.

Sweetness Follows, Part One.

2009-03-10T15:01:00.001-05:00

*note* i wrote this about 6 months ago and have re read it a thousand times. i've decided i want to start writing Part Two but not before i share Part One of this. Thank you for reading and comments are appreciated.

It's these little things, they can pull you under.

Live your life filled with joy and wonder.

I always knew this altogether thunder

was lost in our little lives.

Oh, oh, but sweetness follows.

Writing about R.E.M. and the impact they have had upon me since i was 13 years old

is something i have been trying to do for a long time.

The music is such a soundtrack of my life and even my first real love story.

It began when i bought the first album i ever purchased on my own – Murmur.

Through all the little fandoms and phases, they were always true and always what i wanted to listen to in every mood i had.

Many days i would play them over and over again and wore out tapes like crazy. I

n between classes, Michael Stipe’s voice would soothe me when they kids

at school made fun of my non name brand clothing

or not perfect hairstyle, or not being as smart or ‘cool’.

My face would read “Fuck you, you turds”

but my heart was breaking in a million pieces.

Why’re you trying to second guess me?

I am tired of second guessing

what will be your look this season?

Who will be your book this season?

I crushed on the boy at school who wore the REM tour shirt and played guitar, and had the Stipe-esque look and sound. He was shy and quiet but on stage he just blew me away. At the school dance i did not have a date, i just hung to the side, watching in awe as they covered one of my favorite songs...

We are young despite the years

we are concern

we are hope despite the times

all of the sudden, these days

Happy throngs, take this joy

wherever, wherever you go.

He left that year (our Junior year) to go to a special music school and i moved on. I met new friends outside of school during my summer job at a 7-11, especially a sweet boy from The Big City. I found people equally passionate about music. 1987 was the year i graduated high school, experienced my first real relationship, learned a lot about myself, went to a prom and my beloved grandmother passed away. The loss of her took away my love for painting and it was hard to listen to any music for some time. it was hard to be myself at all. i lost touch with a lot but when Document came out and i heard “It’s the end of the world..” i felt that it was the perfect theme for how i was feeling. My life was so very different. No school, not having to do anything but work and put money away to move to a place where i could be among musicians and artists and feel like i belonged.

Singer sing me a given, singer sing me a song

Standing on the shoulders of giants

everybody’s looking on

(Old man don’t lay so still you’re not yet young,

There’s time to teach, point to point,

Point observation, children carry reservations).

Standing on the shoulders of giants leaves me cold

A mean idea to call my own (call my own),

a hundred million birds fly away, away, away.

I think i listened to this song (King Of Birds) a hundred million times. The music that this band gave to me guided me to feel again, to be able to take those steps that i needed to make important changes. Green came out the next year and things grew brighter and stronger. I was living the life i wanted. I was assisting my aunt in raising her sons after her husband died suddenly and did everything i could to make her life easier. I went to see REM at Madison Square Garden and i felt like a crazy person because i cried through the whole show. Seeing Stipe for real had a huge impression on me. The whole band being right before me was unreal. I felt like i was in another world and sang every song and worshipped at the altar of my musical heroes. It was like a religious experience.

This is my world

And I am the world leader pretend

This is my life

And this is my time

I have been given the freedom

To do as I see fit

A couple of years pass. There is more sadness and moving around. I lose my godmother to AIDS. My Stepdad suffers from manic depression. My brother’s best friend dies in a car accident. I moved home to be close to my mother because she is hurting so much from her sister dying and her husband’s illness. I decide to get a job at a local factory. It is so boring but I made decent money and i was able to help out Mom, and still feed my music habit and buy art supplies. Patrice, my younger sister, is dating a New Kid On the Block and i am going to concerts with her – this was NOT as bad as it sounds. We had a lot of fun back then – but i was really missing something in my heart. I’d dated off and on. I had a sweet long distance relationship with a guy from Illinois who thought he was the next Depeche Mode. He was very talented and even wrote me a song. I wish a had a copy of it still. But even so, through all the people i’d dated, i never felt IT. That moment where you are struck down and you feel that mixture of attraction, physically and mentally. My friends all spoke of it, but it had never really knocked me on my ass the way it was about to.

Dreams they complicate my life

I was sitting at my work area and completing the mindless task i did for 8 hours a day. There were a couple of people that came in and tested our work to make sure they were correct. Today i noticed someone i’d never really noticed before. He was a handsome person, but something about him made my heart race. For days, i would look up the 6 times he came in to do the testing. I would try to catch his eye. But i always got shy and stopped. I decided to just worry about other things and forget him. Guys that i liked never liked me back anyway. Weeks later, i was outside in the little picnicky area and heard The Smiths playing from a car. My ears perked up and i tried to follow the sound. Someone here listens to the Smiths?? Cool! I see a beat-up old Volvo and inside is That Guy! I walk back to my eating place and giggle to myself.

The crush is back on!

My heart thrown open wide

In this near wild heaven

Not near enough.

Little by little i tried to know him. I learned his name (Michael) and what he did there (Science Lab Guy). He and i finally had a conversation after a co worker found out i liked him. We three had lunch and Michael asked if i read comics. Comics? Huh? Yes folks, this was the person that got me into comics. He came in the next morning and brought me a bag of goodies. Some issues of GrimJack and the Watchmen graphic novel. This was followed by The Flaming Carrot, Zot! And OMG The Sandman!! :) every day we would chat and have the best conversations and laugh and really enjoy the budding friendship. I never even thought to ask about his home life. And then i did. He was married with two children. My reaction was so good though, i was so proud of myself - i was excited to hear about his family. In my heart though, i was a little broken. Not surprised, because that was what i’d come to expect. This was during the summer that Out Of Time came out. I accepted this news and decided i would just enjoy the really great friend i had made, however much i wanted to kiss his beautiful smile every time i saw him.

Every whisper

Of every waking hour

I’mChoosing my confessions

Trying to keep an eye on you

Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh now i’ve said too much...

End of Part One.

2009-02-25T15:51:00.004-05:00

Things of late, in bullets!

Cassidy, Patrice and I went to IKEA this past Saturday. Cassidy saw a baby with a mole and said ‘Mama, that baby has a boo boo!’, and i said ‘no honey, that is a mole or a beauty mark’. Upon hearing this, she started yelling ‘MOLE! MOLE!’ and pointing at the baby. I pushed the cart as fast as i could to get away while saying ‘Cass, don’t say that please’ and she said ‘ok. We ran into them 3 more times and Cass would whisper ‘Mama, that baby does NOT have a boo boo’.

I am currently wearing my gloves while typing because it is FRIGGIN COLD and they don’t have proper heat in this area of our building. They keep making excuses and complained about the space heaters we had. I suggested we all buy Snuggies and charge them to our work account.

I am uncomfortable with one of the people Facebook keeps suggesting i add. Everytime i see this jerk’s face i yearn to pummel him with fists of Jenne fury. I want to say “FACEBOOK!!! Stop suggesting i add that giant ass candle dickwad!”
When i wrote ‘dickwad’ above, it made me think of Bill or Ted (of the Excellent Adventures) yelling ‘you medieval dickweed!!’ I also enjoy that i added dickwad and dickweed to my Word dictionary.

At work i am ‘Jenne’ but 70% of my co workers write my name as Jen or Jenn. My feet are now really cold too.

Cassidy heard speed metal for the first time yesterday. We were listening to the WFNX morning show on the way to daycare and they were playing bits from some new music releases. One band was called “Lamb Of God’ and the music started. I looked at Cass and her eyes grew wide and she started singing along with it like this “RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!” and kinda banging her head. They stopped it and started playing something from the Jonas Brothers movie soundtrack and she said ‘ Mama, can they play the RAAAAH Monster Music again?’ my brother would be proud. We used to love moshing in our house to that kind of stuff years ago and freaking out Mom.

I’m still tired and still waiting on test results but thankful for a really great husband who is so encouraging, helpful and kind. Having hugs from him every day makes a lot of crap very very bearable. Not to mention all the great things he does and says.

Thanks, Husband Man. xox

PS: Cassidy Says "What you talkin bout, WILLIS?!?"

Happy Birthday, Bill Foronjy Jr.

2008-09-25T08:51:00.002-05:00

Dear Bill,
(aka Mister Huh, Bippy, HEH!)

Every year we had the best birthday phone calls. we always tried to be around each other within that month and 2 days between our days of birth. i feel that one of the reasons Mike came into my life to because the plan was you would leave this world before me and now i have 9-11 to celebrate my husband.

Another thing is that it is so hard to look at your face or listen to our songs or watch a video and NOT smile. all you did was make me smile, or help me feel better.

after reading Dad's memories of your actual Birth Day, i laughed. you know what I remember about that day? that everyone was acting CRAZY, that Grandma Claire was there and brought me a plastic bowling set. i thought that was pretty awesome.

i remember your 6th birthday because it was MOm and Daddy Jack's wedding day. you helped Grandpa K give mom away, in your cool little suit. you gave her the biggest hug! After the wedding, when the wedding cake was served, they brought out another cake - FUDGIE THE WHALE!!!!! you were SO PSYCHED! you were a little sad that the wedding was on your birthday but you got over it ;) that's the kind of guy you always were! i also remember you, me and PAtrice drinking from the champange fountain. we were so naughty.

this morning as i took the T to work, playing my ipod the first song that came on my random shuffle? "Bartender' by Dave Matthews. it as followed by 10 or so songs that we both loved and sang together. it was so freakY! i cried in front of all the commuters. who cares? then i'm waiting for the connecting train, and i see a dude in a faded Yankees hat! not 5 minutes later a guy in a 'Don't make me go WALKEN on you!" HOW FREAKING WEIRD!

you always know how to find me Billy.

Happy birthday to my frist friend, my forever friend. The greatest brother and one of the BEST people i have ever known.

Thank you for being born. i love you and miss you more than i could ever express.

jenne (aka Miss Huh/Jeppy/Slangho)

PS - i'm so mad i can't tease you about "37!" today! ("in a row??")

(Cassidy, Jenne, Bill and Gannon - 11.07)

y'know what rocks?

2008-08-26T13:08:00.003-05:00

Meeting The American Idol on your birthday :)

artsy jenne

2008-07-23T09:32:00.002-05:00

i'm entering my first art show type thing since 1995. It's through the Quincy Art Association and the show is in September. I have a few things to enter already but want to finish this one that i have drawn out and still need to paint. it's something i've been planning to paint for Jenny Foronjy but have not had the time. now i am going to make that time. even if i decide it's not for the show, i am going to visit her in a few weeks so i can bring it to her.

No more wasting time. no more putting things off. many things on my plate, time to get them done. This is one of them.

These are My Heart Songs, Part One.

2008-07-10T08:17:00.005-05:00

i seem to enjoy blogging on most thursdays
but mostly in the live journal, which i am getting bored of.

i was rickrolled by weezer in thier tune 'Heartsongs' off the Red Album.
i love the song because it speaks of how songs can mean so much to you.
they mention all the songs that touch you wether it be happy times or sad
or even silly. they mention cheesey 80's tunes, metal rock that made them want to learn guitar,
songs that made you really FEEL, songs that inspired them to become the band they are now.

So i decided to write about some of mine, a few at a time so i don't get emo on y'all. well, more so than usual.

Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant reminds me of my brother and his buddies torturing me at my 16th birthday party. Bill wanted to be the DJ and we let him, but ONLY if he did not play that song! so he promised. of course, he ended up putting it on 5 or 6 times. i remember trying to grab the 45 and throw it in the little stream next to our yard. even though they still played it, most of the party guests enjoyed the song :)

Overkill by Men At Work was a favorite back in high school but years later the greatness of this song was remembered when i lived in Mt Pocono, PA. I used to go see a local band who covered this song and it brings back good memories of a rough part of my life. It was especially fun when the bass player would sing the high part at the end and the crowd would be rooting him so he could make the high notes. There are many "heart songs" associated with this time.

Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine (also covered by The Postal Service) was a song i loved right away. It became more special when i became Cassidy's Mom, and the first time i ever held he and looked in her eyes, the first lines of the song popped into my head - "I think that it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned." it became her lullaby every night for the first few months of her life. Michael and i were married when she was about 3 months old and at our reception she and i had a little dance to this song.

more to come....

Cassidy and Jenne, May 2008

six months

2008-07-03T08:14:00.003-05:00

"I fear that I'm ordinary, just like everyone

To lie here and die among the sorrows

Adrift among the days

For everything I ever said

And everything I've ever done

is gone and dead

As all things must surely have to end

And great lovers will one day have to part

I know that I am meant for this world

My life has been extraordinary

Blessed and cursed and won

Time heals but I'm forever broken

By and by the way...

Have you ever heard the wordsI'm singing in these songs?

It's for the girl I've loved all along

Can a taste of love be so wrong

As all things must surely have to end

And great lovers will one day have to part

I know that I am meant for this world

And in my mind as I was floating

Far above the clouds

Some children laughed I'd fall for certain

For thinking that I'd last forever

But I knew exactly where I was

And I knew the meaning of it all

And I knew the distance to the sun

And I knew the echo that is love

And I knew the secrets in your spires

And I knew the emptiness of youth

And I knew the solitude of heart

And I knew the murmurs of the soul

And the world is drawn into your hands

And the world is etched upon your heart

And the world so hard to understand

Is the world you can't live without

And I knew the silence of the world"

Bill passed away 6 months ago today.(6-17-08)

I would feel wrong if i did not make some sort of post.

These are the lyrics to his favorite song of all time.

they were written by another Billy.

Our sister Patrice sang this song with no accompaniment at his funeral.

She is also quite awesome.

I am doing ok. I want to stress that.

Even though i am sad does not mean i am not ok.

i feel good most of the time.

And i know i have some wonderful people in my life.

That helps SO much.

This song says so much more after losing Bill.

"Great lovers must some day have to part"

He and his wife Jenny were the greatest couple i had ever known - Two Babies Inc.

"My life has been extraordinary".

so true.

he was the peanut butter to my jelly.

my best friend.

my partner in crime.

I miss our silly language we made up when we were kids that we used into adulthood.

i miss calling each other with our awesome pop culture references.

i miss 'e-mayul' said like Homestar Runner.

i miss those huge hugs.

I heard this quote the other day and i really like it, so i'll end this with it.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,

which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,

and falling into at night.

I miss you like hell"

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Thank you for being there for me in the past 6 months.

2008-05-02T09:10:00.002-05:00

It’s Thursday. When i was in high school some one had been sent home from school because they had a T shirt on that read Sure Happy It’s Thursday. The first letter of each word as MUCH bigger that the rest. Ahem.

My tummy is still in this giant fight with me about eating. I guess that is ok because they new medicine i will be taking for diabetes will be slowing the emptying of my stomach and I’m already not eating the amount i was 2 weeks ago from The Virus. We’ll know more soon. I hope this new medicine works well. I’m doing everything they are telling me to so we’ll see what happens. It may end up with me in an outpatient weight loss program at the hospital. I wish i worked at the hospital itself because they have a gym on site we could use, but i am looking into the one in the Longwood medical area.

I will be going out tonight i think Michael said it was the “banquet” at Bowling League, but also he will be at Apple all day and needs his bowling gear so i will pack up Cass and head over there for the evening. It will be good to see people.

Saturday is Free Comic Book day and Sunday the Walk For Hunger. In between i will do some cleaning and some planning for Bad Patty’s surprise party. I have lots of FUN this month. Much needed. After this weekend:

8th – Barenaked Ladies in store in Framingham with Cassidy.
9th – Chris Trapper at the Natick center for the Arts
10th – Best Music Poll concert with Death Cab and the PRESIDENTS!
11th – Mommie’s Day. no actual plans yet but it’s a day for da moms.
16th – go to CT for the celebration weekend - Gia marries Justin YAY!
17th – the aforementioned wedding!
24th – Earthfest starring CAKE!!
29th – RENT with Bad Patty, Patrice, Colleen and Jenny
30th - Dinner with friends in NY
31st - Bad Patty’s Surprise Party!

THEN THIS MONTH HAS BIRTHDAYS!
Today i believe is HAMMY’S birthday. Is it?
6th is Bad Patty’s birthday and Colleen and Wayne’s 3 year anniversary. Their wedding was the day that my family found out that Mike and I were going to be parents – because Bad Patty got drunk and told the world she was going to be a grandma. :)
13th ( i think)is my sister Nicole’s 22 birthday
15th is my stepmom Diane’s birthday. I am not sure what her age is. But it’s not too much older than me!
28th is MER
29th is Dad

I might be breaking up with regular Law and Order. Jesse L Martin left the show and i am not happy about it. I already miss Jerry Orbach (Lenny Briscoe for ever!) and Jesse had something special about him. Besides cuteness and being the original Tom Collins from RENT and i met him. He was a great character, i really liked the new partner he had. LOST is still awesome, as is The Office. I’ve been watching American Idol, and i still think David Cook is pretty cool. He rocks. I even downloaded some of his songs from itunes. i had a personal Top Three (Cook, Michael Johns and Carly) from Auditions week and all three were in the top ten!! So maybe i’ll even go to see them live. I know, I’m a dork. But who cares?? I like who i am! :) what else on TV...Celebreality! the magic show is funny. It has Kid from Kid N Play and he’s funny.

Music...i love the new weezer song. well, i love weezer in general. Loving the latest Foo Fighters a LOT. Wishing for my old Rick Astley cassette from 1989. my old boyfriend Bobby Deets looked like and crushed on Rick Astley. But then he dumped me and settled with a nice guy named Victor :) and then we ALL liked to watch cute boys together.

Speaking of old boyfriends, many years ago i was engaged for a short time to a boy named Ray. He was a nice kid but we were young and i ended up breaking up with him. He was very upset with me and we did not keep in touch. Last week he sent me a MySpace message and it was very nice so i wrote back. The note i got back was even sweeter. He’s grown into such a good guy. He lives with his disabled girlfriend and takes care of her while running his own computer business. He was badly hurt on 9-11-01 and has had a lot of years of pain but finally found peace and love in the arms of his sweetie and lives in Oregon happily. It warmed my heart so much to hear happy words from him. We’ve been sharing stories and it’s nice to have a new friend from the old days.

Feh. Time to go make photocopies. I have to fight for the copier all day with another admin who likes to use it ALL the time :)

Later!

PS - Cassidy had her 2 year old portraits done, here is one of the photos:

This child knocks me on my bum. :)

Hi There waves

2008-03-31T08:57:00.003-05:00

i just posted a bunch from my Live Journal and thought it would be helpful to those who might come across me here. i want to know more people and write about things for more people and some days it seems like no one really reads my Live Journal. SO back to my blog.

here is a little bit more about me...

1.What was the last gift you received? A big box of scrap booking supplies from my stepmommie.
2.What was the occasion? Easter

3.What is your favorite love song? The Luckiest

4. Who was the last person you hugged? DeeDee

5. Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes. I did this morning!

6. Do opt for Truth or Dare? I opt for Cake or Death.

7. Have you ever regretted either choice? Not yet!

8. What on your body currently hurts? THIS THING ON MY BABY TOE. OWIE!

9. When was the last time you met some one new? A few weeks ago
10. What should you be doing right now? It’s free time – this is cool.

11. Does store security follow you? Only when one of the team had a crush on me at Target
12. What is your name spelled backwards? Reffinej srevart

13. What is your name spelled sideways? I can’t type it.
14. Did you ever lick a 9-Volt Battery? No
15. What’s your favorite comic strip? I love Mutts and Get Fuzzy and Zippy and my guilty pleasure is ‘for better or for worse’.
16. Do you always wear clean socks and underwear? yes
17. When was the last time you skipped in public? On the ferry pretending to be a pirate with Cassie.

18. Do you still laugh at I Love Lucy? Yes. Especially when Ethel and Fred argue.

19. Have you ever worn the same thing for an entire weekend? Hah yes
20. Name some one with the same birthday as you. Gillian Anderson!
21. What do you usually order from Starbucks? Just regular coffee. Sometimes one of those Vanilla Creme things.
22. If you were a light source, which would you be? A campfire
23. What is your motto for life? Keep on keeping on.

24. Do you think animals have real feelings? Yes

25. Does love conquer all? Yes

26. Do you believe in Karma? Absolutely!! But i didn’t learn it from Carson Daly like Earl did.
27. What do you think killed the dinosaurs? Serial killers.
28. Do real psychics exist? I don’t know.

29. What is in the backseat of your car right now? Cassie’s seat, toys, books and scarves.

30. How many times were you Student of the Month in elementary school? I was never Student of the Month but i was Artist of the month in 3rd grade!! They displayed 6 or so pieces of my work :) i was so excited!!

Cassidy on Easter Sunday...Cassidy in a dress?!?! WOW!

3.27.08

2008-03-31T08:55:00.001-05:00

Part of my recent life changes and personal work i am doing with the counselor is i have to write every day about things in my brain whether it is me bitching about how Beauty and The Geek should not be Beauty VS the Geeks and that the girl who won Beauty and the geek 2 season ago didn’t really seem to have learned much from that experience if she was trying to date the Poison Guy on Rock O Love Dos, or something serious, or something Happy! Or The World We Live In and Life In General.

Tallulah the car is home. $600 later. the things they thought were wrong are repaired, however the reason i brought the car in the first place was the temperature gauge needle keeps climbing up toward the red. It never reaches it completely but it gets close, and it happens while idling and while driving. SO driving home yesterday, IT STARTED DOING IT AGAIN. I stopped to get the car washed, and called George at Columbia. He said that it may take a day or so before that stops happening. I said if it doesn’t we’re going to have a problem, that i have spent almost $1000 on ‘repairs’ in the past 2 weeks and the car is still seeming sick. I’ve decided that even though i felt so comfortable with Columbia and had bought the car there, i need to bring Lullah to a Ford dealer if this is not fixed. The reason this took so long was they had to order the parts from Ford. 2 extra days of rental car. They claimed it would have cost more to bring it to the Ford shop. So i decided to do a little detective work, and called the Ford shop where i have gone a few times. They said that they would gladly see me and Tallulah and work with me to figure out what was wrong. I explained what had happened and they said even if they towed it their price would only have been $50.

I’m still new to being a car owner. I bought Tallulah One in September 2000. She was the very last year 2000 Ford Focus made. I called her the Millennium Focus. I worked for a Ford Dealer at the time and fell in love with the car the day they brought in into the showroom. My boss helped me order the car and i hand picked everything. I did not even have my license yet, but i bought her as incentive. My then husband and i moved to Pa right after that. He used the car off and on but had his own. Once i got my license i drove that car everywhere. To Va, to NJ, to school an hour away, to Toronto, Buffalo, NY and Ma. This car had only one issue, and it was fixed easily. I had her for a little over three years and then had a bad car accident. http://mom-o-cass.livejournal.com/2003/11/25/
She was totaled. I said goodbye to my little green goddess of a car. A few months later i moved here.

When my stepfather passed away, he left us with a little something and one thing he told me was to get myself a car no matter what. So when i received the money, i looked online for a Focus. I decided having a station wagon would be a good idea. I was 8 months pregnant and knew i had to have a car before Cass arrived. I found a 2001 black Focus wagon with only 32K miles. It was at a Pontiac dealer. The salesman told me they had gotten it at an auction for dirt cheap. 10K later i was the proud owner of Tallulah Two. This was in 12/05, so it’s been a little over 2 years and the car still seems now to me. She has 60K miles right now.

I just hopehopehope she is going to be ok. I want to at least have her until we can afford to get a new car. She is mostly so reliable and has gotten me where I’ve needed to get me and my lil family. I’m so worried and upset and want this to work out. I also need to drive to CT on Sunday. And other places other days. I need this car to be well.

I feel a lot of the sad and anxiety I’m dealing with is more due to some recent news concerning family on both sides. Mike’s family was dealt another hard blow recently and it’s so heartbreaking, but also reminding us that life is so short and to really truly live every day to the fullest. On my side, there is a very upsetting situation concerning a sibling and i can’t write about it here because it’s too personal for me to do so. But I’m so very angry and sad for her and want so much to make her better. I’ve already lost one sibling...I’m praying this one is going to be ok. I’ve not been a big one on prayer, but i find myself doing something like that lately. My sister in law Jenny has sent me all this stuff about grief and grace and bible verses and scripture. She’s Christian and i notice it even more since Bill died. I see it’s bringing her a lot of peace and i am so very glad. I know Bill was Catholic but he was very into the Christian beliefs more than anything. I’m happy they had that together. I’ve never had a strong faith in particular area, but i always have felt spiritual in ways. I just never found the right path. Going to the UU church was one of the best things i ever did. I feel like i should go back and give it another run, but i also feel like i don’t need to go somewhere to be spiritual.

Well, i think i need to email this to my gmail so i can post it at work. I hope you all have a Lovely Day, just like that Bill Withers song. Thank you for reading.

3.20.08

2008-03-31T08:47:00.001-05:00

I feel good. HAH! (James brown-esque yell)

I feel like a fog has lifted. Even with the bleary dreary weather i can feel sun on my face. Clouds are disappearing. Smiles appear easily. My future is feeling clearer and filled with more hope than i have had in a long time. This was a good decision, so far :)
Just to clarify, i am not completely off medicines. I was instructed to continue on wellbutrin and so far, so good. I really feel great.

I’d feel even BETTER if Cassidy had had a better night last night. She went to sleep around 8 (8!!) And woke up once at 11 but went back to sleep. Then at around 3 she woke up and wanted to go into the living room, wanted juice and for me to cuddle with her on the couch. Not Daddy, who has off work today!! Nope. Ma-Ma! And she fell back to sleep at 5:30, when i usually wake up. *YAWWWWN* but at the same time, I’m glad due to the CPAP i get much better sleep now and can handle a day with 3 hours of sleep. I am doing fine today. I had some coffee and eggies and yogurt for breakfast.

The diabetes update is: we are UNDER CONTROL!!!! The insulin change is helping me so much. It’s the same amount as i took while pregnant. I have not had a bad reading since the weekend. I have had a few low readings but i have been able to fix that easily. One Day at a Time. (I wish that Pat Harrington as Schneider would be our buildings Super!) The PCP i see wanted me to either try Weight Watchers to help with my weight loss but also referred me to a weight management clinic. I’m not sure which path to take but i am glad I’ve got a doctor who understands what i want and is not just saying ‘get more exercise!’ ‘Eat less!’ but actually giving me advice that feels helpful.

Now i have to type up minutes for a meeting tomorrow morning. I like the minutes. I feel like I’m in some sort of club.

A favorite Memory

2008-03-31T08:46:00.000-05:00

i think it was the summer of 2000.

I went to see a concert with my siblings Billy, Patrice and Colleen. all four of us loved taking each other to see our fave music and make each other fans if possible. It was a Red Hot Chili Peppers show, but we were going mainly to see Stone Temple Pilots, Colleen's favorite band. Fishbone was the first act and it was SO great to see them! the show was great, but it was after the show that sticks in my mind. The ampitheater, Jones Beach, was right on the water. a full moon was above. Colleen had a single ticket in the front, and Bill, Tree and I were in the back, waiting for her to meet us. they began to play the Nirvana UNplugged version of 'Where did you sleep last night', and th three of us began singing it together. Patrice has a voice that knocks people on thier ass, as does Billy. we sang our hearts out. people were stopping and watching, some joined in. the three of us hugged as we sang and when the song ended, there was around 100 people there yelling and clapping. it was such a warm feeling to share with my sibs and the random people...

Earlier that night, Bill and Patrice performed Pearl Jam's 'Porch' at the tailgate in the parking lot (yes, tailgates for concerts = a family tradition) and the pain that my sister was going through at that time really shone through, by the end all of us were in tears but it really helped her a lot.

i like writing about memories. i think i'll do this more.

i'd just like to say that i miss Bill so much right now. i wanted to send him the photo of David Ortiz and Reggie Jackson, where Papi is holding Reggie and i wanted to make a baloon from Reggie saying "I must kill...the Queen!" and the caption would say "Big Papi saves The Queen" or something silly like that because seeing Reggie always reminds me of The Naked Gun (Enrico Pallazo!)..well, that and the Reggie candy bar we used to buy off the ice cream truck.

The State Of The Jenne - 3.17.08

2008-03-31T08:43:00.001-05:00

The smile that keeps me going every day!

Nothing to fear nothing to hide..that is what my journal says to me everyday.

Lift me up from the bottom EVERYDAY.

Things are weird. My body is fighting against me like crazy. One part says one thing and the other says no and the meds all stopped working properly. But these things are not what is bothering me. So many people I love are sad and in pain and hurting and I feel so helpless. I wish I could do *something* and it kills me inside. All the therapy in the world could not make that go away. I just wish P could find peace. I even don't know how to write in here properly any more. Sometimes I don't want to bother anyone. Sometimes I feel almost like I can't write in a journal, even if it was just me because when the words come out I am afraid of them. I don't worry about what others think. It's more my own mind. I *can* tell the therapist but I'm not ready to write.
And sometimes when I feel sad for myself, I watch Home Makeover and see the family with a broken trailer and a sick baby and say holy SHIT. I have it so damn good. My husband is a decent, loving man who takes care of us. My daughter is healthy and happy and smart and funny. I'm still here. My car works ok. My home is cluttered but happy and filled with love.
Doctors are still fighting over what meds to give me. I said 'how about none??" and they LAUGHED. Silly bitches!!!

It looks like I am going to be working on losing weight. But half the meds I have been on cause weight gain. It's at the point now where we have to decide what to tackle, and it looks like this: Blood sugar and weight loss are #1. so that is what we will work on. No more lithium for now. the pdoc and therapist will keep tabs on it, and I will be filling out a Mood Chart every day, along with the diabetes chart. I am a CHARTIN FOOL!!!!

It's going to be ok. Because it HAS TO BE OK.

So there's the current contents of my mind. Thank you for reading about me.

Love, your pal,
Jenne

2.27.08

2008-03-31T08:42:00.001-05:00

Seen in the ladies room today:

:If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie”.

Many LOL’s ensued following the posting of these little signs.

It reminds me of the one my stepdad had posted near our family pool:
“This is our OOL.
Notice there is no P in it.
Please keep it that way”

In other news, I’m being mentally reevaluated and starting with a new therapist that specializes in female bipolar patients and she is also a well-known grief counselor. The one i had seen is very nice but she works mostly with children, so she found me a Big Girl therapist *grin*.

I have been doing better with this whole mourning thing. I have noticed that people don’t like dealing with a friend in mourning. I had someone actually contact me and say they had a hard time dealing with what i am going through and to not be offended if they don’t respond to me the way they used to. I said, no problem. Because i have the support i need in my family alone and anything extra is just icing on the cake. I appreciate the internet hugs and words of support so very much. I can imagine it’s not fun to read 8 million posts about how sad i am and i really don’t want to be Eeyore/Morrissey all the time, you know?? It’s easy to smile when i think of Bill, because all he did was make me happy/laugh. So don’t be afraid, I’m doing ok. Really. This sucks, but i have to take my father’s advice and do what it takes to be well right now. my family needs me, my friends need me, my job needs me.

It’s so freaking busy here i don’t know how i even find time to eat lunch most days. I enjoy it though. I am doing well in the eyes of my co workers and Boss. My cognitive issues don’t seem to be affecting things here...though i did call my one co worker by the wrong name. i was so mortified!

17 february 2008

2008-03-31T08:35:00.002-05:00

Cassidy and Mommy at Disney World

Gosh, I have been horrid about my posting lately! It’s just been SO busy at work and then I get home and it's busy and then sleep! but it's starting to slow a bit. Today I am going to finish cleaning the apartment and organize a bit.

Yesterday we went to Mike's Uncle' Ray's 60th birthday party. It was very fun and his daughter and wife did a great job. The funniest thing was the dj/band type thing. It was this little tiny Joe Peschi-esque dude with a bad rug and a husky-voiced lady singer. They played some (very few) original songs and then they sang karaoke style to everything else. And even with the little TV screen they still messed up the words to EVERY song. :) But it was funny so it didn't matter. The food tried really hard to be great and we were at a table with mike's mom and seester and also his cousin Lisa and her boyfriend, Ned. We really love Lisa and Ned. last night Mike called him Nedward Scissorhands. I almost peed laughing. Cass had a great time dancing and eating snackyfood, but the singing started to annoy her, she started covering her ears with her hands and looking upset. We left shortly after that. another silly moment was when some other cousins, Eric for one, started posing with a face painted on the wall, making it appear to be drinking a beer, kissing it, high fiving...it was very silly and awesome.

Cassidy is still in love with all things Disney. she saw the characters she met on TV and was talking about how she 'hug Mickey' 'see Mickey!’. she seemed like she really loved our trip. i don't regret bringing her at all. i had a lot of people warn me that it would not be too fun for her or us. She really impressed me with her attitude and patience and temperament. she received her very first haircut at the Magic Kingdom. it looks so cute and it is nice and short and manageable. She went on many rides, and i could not get over how much she loved Pirates of the Caribbean. She also liked the Haunted Mansion, Dumbo, the teacups..oh, gosh, i don't think she disliked anything! when we went to Animal Kingdom, we did the Safari ride, and one of the jeeps in front of us went on fire and we were stuck in there for a while! she was so happy because she saw real giraffe right in front of her eyes, so close you could almost pet them. and she loves the fireworks shows and parades and Fantasmic. i'm so very glad she enjoyed herself. one of the best moments was her first meeting with Mickey Mouse - she ran right up to him. it ws like a commercial. Suddenly i realized i was CRYING! what a freakin' dork!!!! :) oh, and while i did not get to meet Captain Jack, we did get to eat at my two favorite eateries..Biergarten and Teppan Edo. mmmmmm.The other thing that touched me was seeing the Finding Nemo musical - i LOVED it and the music was so great I bought the CD. Cassidy loved it too, but she got upset when she saw the characters being hurt or sad, especially Nemo and Marlon being separated. she was saying 'Nemo Daddy gone!'. but then end of the show came on and she was so happy they were together and safe :) that night we were driving back to Dan's house, and all of a sudden Cass began to cry, so very sadly, and saying 'Nemo Gone!!' and crying these big tears. i'd never heard her sound that sad! it touched me to hear her have such a big heart and be worried like that. my poor girl. of course, i felt a little bad that i'd bought the CD for us to enjoy together and it made her upset! we'll try again with it one day.

Next weekend in New York, my father is having a special memorial mass for my brother Bill. He really had no input to the services down south and it means a lot to him to have something in the area where we grew up. This is great, because there were a lot of friends and family that could not get to Virginia Beach for his funeral. today Dad put a memorial notice in the Long Island paper so people know about the service.

every day it gets the tiniest bit easier. I am so thankful that my relationship with my brother was so strong and happy and fun. it's like we have always been ok, and i have not a single regret now that he's gone. every memory i have is happy. i laugh my ass off thinking about him. There are moments that suck. like at the party last night and Ray was dancing with all his sisters and my brain reminds me Bill and I will never dance at his 60th birthday party. i had to have a little moment, but then i was ok. the grief counselor tells me it's OK to do that, have those little moments. it's ok to write and talk about him, and it's ok to smile when i think about his life and our relationship.

to sum up, i fell pretty damn good despite the suckage that tries to destroy my spirit!

2008-03-31T08:30:00.002-05:00

I was so proud of Bill when he decided to drive to NYC on 9-11 (His 30th birthday) and offer his help in whatever way he could. He was an EMT, a nursing student and a sergeant in the Army. He spent about 4 days there, staying at a doctor’s apartment he’d befriended. He helped firefighters and rescue workers with their lacerations and bumps, gave oxygen when it was needed, and even did a little DNA testing. He showed up at Patrice’s bridal shower that weekend and gosh, I don’t remember ever being so happy to see someone safe and smiling and feeling such pride in this person, this big ol goofy man did such wonderful, important things.

I never thought that doing all that would end up killing him. I never thought Bill would be considered a Victim of September 11th…until today.

We received some news and found that the cause of Bill’s death was definitely the sarcoidosis he contracted from working at ground zero. They were not sure, but my mother in law is friendly with the medical examiner and he gave her some information. The disease had spread from his lungs to his heart, spleen, liver, kidneys and skin.
His heart was very enlarged. And the last thing the doctor said was “This man died because of September 11th, and the selfless things he did that day. He is a hero, and he should be considered a victim of those attacks”.

Needless to say, I’m just struck with a ton of emotion and I don’t know what to say right now except that I am doing ok and please don’t worry about me.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;"

1.29.08

2008-03-31T08:30:00.001-05:00

Happy almost end of January, everyone. Here I sit at a new desk, with new people and duties and noises and atmosphere. It’s a good change. It was a good decision. On everybody’s part. The cubes are smaller and not as private, you can hear everything everyone is doing. There’s really no where to go and grab a bite to eat. This is good, because now I’ll be better about bringing lunch. Not that I eat lunch these days. It’s more like a yogurt or some fruit or a bagel. I have nice ‘neighbors’ and work with mainly women. My boss is very nice. Tough, but nice. She needs her things done NOW and expects tasks finished when she wants them. I must be doing well because she tells me she is glad I am here. I also like that if a make a mistake she tells me about it and we fix the problem. Plus, she’s very pleasant to talk to and has a good sense of humor. I like the tasks I am assigned. I enjoy working with the Visio program and creating flowcharts and also I helped put together an Encounter Form – something the doctor’s use when they meet with a patient and can circle diagnosis or treatment info. I have a broken printer and phone cord, but I’m still having fun. I am so excited to be working for a company I really like and respect. My little “Brigham & Women’s” id badge makes me smile.

We are headed to Orlando next Wednesday. It will be fun to visit Dan and Kristen as well as that Mickey Mouse guy. Oh and Dan has a new puppy named Fenway Parker. Hee hee. It will be a much needed vacation and this week it’s in the 70’s there. Maybe it will stay. Cass seems psyched to meet Mickey and all those Disney peeps. I am looking forward to the Buzz Lightyear ride so I can shoot ZURG again. And fireworks, and parades. I need a dose of Disney.

So my father and stepmom are having a memorial Mass for Bill on Long Island on February 23rd. I have had a lot of people ask about something like this and if you can make it, you are welcome. If you just want to pay respects, if you’re a friend we have not seen in ages or if you just want to stop by and say hello, you are welcome. We’ll be having a dinner thingy afterwards. If you are interested in coming, just comment and I’ll email the details out. I’d post it but we have an issue with someone causing so trouble recently.

Well, back to work for me. Lunch is over.
Love and cheese sammiches,
Jenne

12.23.2007

2008-03-31T08:23:00.001-05:00

i can't start right now to talk about everything. everyone has gone home and now i feel even worse. every few minutes i think i feel better. then it hits be like a sock woth a roll of quarters in it.When i was driving from the rental car place the other day this song came on the radio. it happens to be on my phone as a ringtone oddly enough. it's a song by the offspring. i sang this so loud i hurt my throat. i banged the drum beat on the steering wheel and hurt my hands. but it felt good to get the pain out, even if it was a small amount.
Gone Away
Maybe in another lifeI could find you there
Pulled away before your time I can‘t deal it‘s so unfair
And it feels
And it feels likeHeaven‘s so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you‘ve gone away
Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Mary‘s
Can‘t bring back what‘s taken from me
I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would
And it feels
And it feels likeHeaven‘s so far away
And it stings
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you‘ve gone away

THANK YOU to you all for the words, cards and thoughts. i'm trying so hard you guys. i don't know how to get through this.

12.18.2007

2008-03-31T08:19:00.000-05:00

when i got the mail yesterday, i received Bill's Christmas card. it made me feel like a little "wassup beeyotch!!" came from beyond. he wrote 'see you soon'. amidst the good wishes. Oh, Billy i wish this were true.So our sister Michelle created a Memory Site lest night and i want to share it. anything we can do to find peace helps. http://bill-foronjy-jr.memory-of.com/jeez. this is so messed up. I heard the song 'Home' by the Foo Fighters this morning for the first time and i swear i felt as if it was Bill talking. i had to pull the car over. the wake and funeral will be thursday and friday. we head to Va Beach tomorrow evening.that's all i have right now...except, you guys..are the best. thank you for all the messages. every one helped.

the hardest day ever. 12.17.2007

2008-03-31T07:48:00.001-05:00

I spoke to everyone i had to and i can let you all know what has happened. i don't think i have ever truly felt my heart break until this morning. My best buddy. my first friend. my awesome, beautiiful brother, Bill Foronjy, died this moring. i have never felt so empty. i can't even begin to comprrhend this. how the fuck can he be gone??? why. why WHY the fuck is he gone. i an so andry. i don't know how to deal. he died on his wife's birthday. and that's all i can say right now. thank you all for your concern and love. i will talk more soon.

"And the world so hard to understand id the world you can't live without" - his favorite quote ever (B. Corgan)

i can't believe you're gone. my bippy.

This Is Halloween...

2007-11-07T10:37:00.000-05:00

well, i realize i neglect this lovely blog. I have not written in it since 9-11-07 in celebration of the Boys, and i have been just empty more than anything. Having Cassidy helps keep me filled up and of course her Daddy does too. SO anyone who actually heads over here to read...Thanks. :)

There will be more to read soon!

Cassidy was a little Punk Rock Girl for Halloween. I think she had a wonderful and magical night!

She went trick or treating aty an outside mall and got a neat Apple notebook and lots of fun treats!

she is so much fun!

"Love is the best part of the day"

2007-09-11T16:24:00.000-05:00

Bill and his fabulous wife, Jenny
Michael and I
Both of those pics were taken at Fenway Park in Boston, Ma.

Today is the birthday of two of the most important men in my life!i think it is so great that by brother Billy and my Husband, Mike have the same birthday.The fact that it is on a date when a lot fo people will be remembering lost loved ones and a broken city is hard, but i refuse to not celebrate these two special men.

My brother is one of my best friends and someone who has stuck by me through thick and thin. when the world was against me. When i felt like everyone was judging me and when i was going through the worst times in my mind, Billy was there. He is a constant love and a good man. i am so proud to call him Brother. HEH ZEEEE BIPPY HUH!

Mike is a person i'd never thought i'd find. my soulmate. the man i have searched for for a long time. the one that i dreamed of. his good heart, sweet nature and beautiful soul has found me and i have never been happier in a relationship. He is a wonderful husband and father and makes every day brighter.

i feel sad but i am feeling better. ups and downs. weights and balances. it's called life. for the first time in my life, these things are no longer confusing to me. they still hurt, but my brain sees them more clearly.

i hope your days are filled with love, dear readers.

xo

jenne

Strangers In Paradise, 1993-2007

2007-05-24T14:05:00.000-05:00

How can it really be almost over?14 years!

14 years Terry Moore has been writing a storya story that has brought me and many others so much joy, tears, love, craziness, oh boy!how i will miss them all. Francine, Katchoo..they stole my heart so quickly.

I bought my first issue - THE first issue in 1994 at Comic Attitudes in New Brunswick, New Jersey.I was with Joyce, and she noticed the cover. I bought it and fell in love withe the story. i've read every issue, religiously since. these characters have interested me more than any fiction, ever. Francine reminded me so much of myself.

i wished to find my own Katchoo, that wild, artistic little woman who who sweep me off my feet and be my best friend. i wished for my own David as well. but i found my own true love just by being a fan of this story. my default icon has been Francine for a long time. When Mike first saw me post in our friend Gina's journal, he commented on my great icon and the rest is history. we even went to meet Terry Moore in Baltimore together and even he called our story a great love story. coming from him it was a great compliment as i feel he's written one of the best love stories ever.

if you have never read this book, it has been relased in 'pocket books" once the final issue is out next month there will be 6 all together. i recommend it so much i don't know how to express it.

this is the official website.

one thing i just noticed with glee is that the art on the cover of the last issue is a re-do of the first issue cover. so awesome:

First:

Last:

*sigh* i'm going to miss them. i'm glad that i can visit them anytime though :)i look forward to sharing it with Cass one day.

thanks for reading!

-Jenne

"if you wrote me off, i'd understand it"

2007-03-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

"We hit the bottom..i thought it was my fault..and in a way i guess it was.."

Ben Folds'Landed doesn't just remind me of the end of my first marriage and my leaving the household. it reminds me of the friendships i have lost. Of those who could not deal with what I was. every line of this song reminds me of a moment. of a realization. those times when truly, you open your eyes and realize there is no turning back once you step off that proverbial front porch and go off to the next chapter in your life. you just wake up and say 'this is what has to happen. you have to get your shit together and move on.you have to fly away and let your former partner move on as well'.

"It's over"
(at this moment i am VERY thankful 'Gracie' is the next track')

"we moved to the west coast away from everyone.....

"...back when i was still in love" the way Greg and i moved away from our world of Long Island and thinking this would help make us be more right and how my ever-messed-mind got sicker and sicker and things got worse and worse. we made that decision and realized, to each other's faces for the first time that we didn't love each other the way everyone thought we did, that way that people are supposed to love, support, respect, care for, and a myriad of things that we did not have as a couple, but two good freinds that found each other at a time where we felt so sad and alone after very long relationships ending. He is a great guy, and i would never think of him as anything else. Heck, he's still a a member of our family. Moving away didn't save it. or change it. it made us move away from each other in our minds and hearts.

"until i believed I was the crazy one..and in a way i guess i was"

i feel like Meri is the friend that came to 'pick me up' at the airport. that's totally her when i see this song as a video in my dreams. She's that friend that you always want to be there because even if they say 'i told you so' you know damn well they are right. they're always there and always 'got your back' even when you are at your lowest. a line that always gets me is when ben sings:"if you wrote me off, i'd understand it'cause i've been on some other planet"all the times i expected to lose EVERY that i loved..that i'd understand if they said 'I've had enough and "wrote me off".I remember the day i knew it was time for me to get out and go.i picked Greg up at work and told him i needed to go. move to New York.I'd even spoken to Colleen who offered to get an apartment with me.a month later, i left the Poconos for good and many things hurt that day,but a line in this song fit's it perfectly."and it's Bye Bye, Goodbye, I tried"and i really, really did.but i continued to struggle..to borrow from another song, made those 'wrong turns and stumbles' that brought me here'and here I am.

In today's Boston Globe was a great interview with Ben and in one question they asked him about 'Late', the song he wrote for Elliott Smith and was it hard to write. His response was so great."it wasn't hard to write, but it was a hard song to let go of and put out. I wanted it to be true and respectful and not melodramatic, and i wanted it to be a song Elliott would like. He was an inspiration.His music was a rock for me"once agin, it feels so good that some i admire and respect and whose music helps me so much feels the same way about Elliott. it's so comforting to know that even a musician you admire shows the loss we all felt by Elliott's leaving.well damn. i've been carrying all these words for a week or so. it felt good to get them out.

i hope one day i get to meet Ben and shake his hand and even though i can never share the many things he's helped me through, just a moment to say "thank you" and to quote "Late","the songs you wrote got me through a lot"

thanks for reading my words, and the words of others i share.
Thanks for being my friends, also.

jenne

'treading the sea of her troubled mind'

prayer for my friends

2007-03-29T14:38:00.000-05:00

i draw strength from the Goddess Bast for Protection and pray for my loved ones.

i pray for she and he with problems driving them apart.
that the problems can be fought and the battle won.
I pray for she who struggles so.
the tears that flow.
may they finallydissapate and bring forth peace and joy.
I pray for He who suffers in his heart.
may he see that True Love will conquer alland see that the Perfect Trust is within.
it may be currently hiding, but it exists.
i pray for She who waits paitiently for The News.
I pray the news is the news she wants.
I pray for safe journey for the small visitor.
i pray for They who seek the fix to what ails.
I pray for They who feel the end is near.
I pray for They who think it never gets better.
Goddess Bast, watch over them.
Protect them.Bring the peace that is wanted.
And Needed.
Protect my dear friends.

With Perfect Love and Perfect Trust

Proudest Monkey

2007-03-29T14:30:00.000-05:00

my heart beats just waiting for your acknowledgement of my presence and my eyes tear up at the thought that you aren't really there anyway. it was just a simple mistake. a false feeling and i realize that my mind was just playing tricks on me. i reach out with a hand that goes numb from the chill in the air. nothing comes back except a few bits of dust. for a brief moment you grinned at me and then it just fades away. don't go, don't leave i cry. but you do go. you go too far for my reach and the tears come again.

*guitar solo*

highlighting highlighting. words in medical terms that mean absolutley nothing to me."pinch me", she says and highlights another page. her hands are sticky from the odd gell that the boss gave her to keep her fingers sticky when sorting pages. it is called SortQwik and it reeks like old shoes and pomegranates. this cup of coffee is her 2nd of the day and it continues to get colder and colder like the heart of one long gone. what is that strange feeling in my tummy she wonders and hopes it decides to depart soon.

*drum beat*

store 24 you treat me weekly to a cup of coffee after a week of purchasing my morning cup from you daily. is this a reward for my loyalty to your cheaper priced coffee instead of the Good Old Double D? the coworkers thrive on Dunkin Donuts and Starfucks but you reward me with that free cup every week. Therefore i am forever your bitch, Store 24.

*rockin' tambourine*

Ted Leo. Theodore Leo and his band of Pharmacists. They are not pharmacists, but musicians. The cd Hearts of Oak has been a constant source of sanity for me. Ted speaks the words that make me feel better. Ted was born the same day as my brother and my boyfriend. Ted sings the truth. Ted writes songs that make me think and dance. Ted wrote a song about Boston and all its Bridges and Squares. Ted exists. This makes me happy.

*soothing vocals*

Silverchair is a band you should try if you have not already.

*drum again*

now i will retreat back into my brain.

For I am the Proudest Monkey.

visit with Dad and Di.

2007-03-20T07:50:00.001-05:00

i have returned from my journey to see my father and his family. it was very very very good. My relationship with my father and his wife has been strengthened and it feels great. they have bonded with my daughter as well. they had tears in thier eyes saying goodbye to her. we honestly have become a family again. i know my stepdad, Jack, would be so proud of me. He stressed to me before his death to try and work things out. to forgive and move on. i extended the olive brach in late 2004 and it's gotten better and better. one of the best things about my wedding day was my father being there even though it was very hard for him. but he not only came, he sat with my mother and exchanged memories and pleasantries. he's grown up so much. he is a great Dad to my sisters and i feel he is doing the same for me now. he is also a wonderful Grandpa to Cassidy. i'm so proud of him, and proud to be his daughter. His wife, Diane, is only 9 years older than me an our relationship has gotten better too. We respect each other as mothers and i feel we have formed a real bond as friends now too.

more posting soon. thanks for waiting for me.

excitement galore!

2007-03-01T14:15:00.000-05:00

Oh my my...i am starting..another blog!!!

well, this is going to be fun. really. i have been an Live Journal junkie for 4 years now,

but that's a 'friends only blah blah blah' place and i really feel like talking somewhere like this as well.

I've been the NiftyWench since 1993, when Karin Weiner and I were hanging out at a Kinko's with cute punk rock boys that taught us how to get free business cards from a machine. one of them was 'Ben Jones - All Around Nifty Guy'. This inspired me and i became 'Jenne Foronjy - All Around Nifty Wench'. the name has traveled with me since then. i shed it for some time because it reminded me of a person i no longer wish to be. But i realized recently i will ALWAYS be the NiftyWench. There is no changing that.

i am healing from round two of Carpal Tunnel release surgery and i promised myself that i would get back to writing at this point. So here i am.

I am a mom, a wife, an artist, a family girl, a friend, a musician.

i am not thin. i am strong. i am mostly happy. "partly happy", like a weather forecast. i am manic depressive. i am smart. i love. i care.

and i really, really love to write. about everything from my adopted home town of Boston to my family life to my job to music and all things pop culture. i hope you'll think to come back and read once in a while.

off to a meeting...please leave a comment to let me know you were here.

The Niftywench,

*jenne*