Note to self

it will get better.

i know, but right now it really sucks.

well, buck up, little camper, as Charles De Mar used to tell Lane Meyer.

I'll do the best I can.

i have my Performance Review at work today.
those always make me nervous, even though my boss lady tells me I Rock every day.

I should listen to her. i DO rock.
even though i am tired and i forgot my lunch today.

ok, well, I've got to go.

*cursing stupid Filemaker*

jenne out.

i wish the pain would stop.
the worrying.
the hurts.
i wish i could find a job that i can handle being at, without having to constantly get up and walk away and try to smile.
and i wish i wish i could defeat the evils in my mind and body.

the end.

hi, i'm Jenne.

Epic.

Epic is the name of the song that just started on the radio. Well, not the radio, but the stream. Epic is a word i don’t use often, but I like when people use it to describe a win or a fail.

I also like when the spell check understand what I tried to type when my brain spells it backwards. I right click, and lo and behold, the correct spelling is RIGHT THERE, even though it didn't look close to the original word.

Your faith walks on broken glass...
My faith in certain things and situations and people has been on the fence at times but somehow i find my way. i draw my faith from different paths i’ve taken. I like my life this was. I like ME this way. the bits that don’t fit properly may find their was one day, but even if they don’t, I’ll handle it!

I finally watched the movie 500 Days of Summer. I was excited to watch it because i’d heard it was good. I liked the way the movie was made; i liked the way it looked. I had a hard time with the story. It hit a bit too close to home in some ways. It brought back some heartache i’d had in the past that i’d worked so hard to remove from my brain. I did not like revisiting it, because that part of my life was hard. I mean, i’m over it at this point in my life, but it felt like someone was trying to reopen a wound that had healed so long ago. But damn, a flash mob dance sequence to a Hall and Oates song made the rest of the movie dealable.

My name is Jenne. I want to write about stuff and when i do, i’ll do it here. Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Cassidy = Awesome. 12/2009

Cassidy = awesome.

I brought her the other night to an in store They Might Be Giants show at the Borders in Braintree. TMBG were promoting their new children’s book “KIDS GO”. We meet Patrice there, who is in this new frenzy of love for The Twilight Thing. That alone was fodder for laughter, but it got better as the night went on. There was a giant Twilight display near the spot we staked out for the show. Cassidy points and tells Aunt Patrice “that is Eggward. He is a vampire and he loves the girl with the brown hair.” One parent starts laughing at the fact that Cass even remotely CARES about the story. It amuses me greatly, the things Cass picks up on. As we sat talking Patrice asks Cassidy “who do you like better, Edward or Jacob?”. Cassidy says “AWOOOOO!”.
Seriously. She howled like a wolf. This caused me to snarf my peppermint mocha drink. At this point Patrice goes to get more drinks and napkins. Cassidy begins to chat with other people. She meets Issac, whose dad was the one LOL’ing at Cass earlier. The kids chat a bit, they are both three, and then Cass asks Issac ‘would you like to play a game?” he says ok, and the dad asks ‘What game, Cassidy?” and she yells “ROCKPAPERSCISSORSLIZARDSPOCK!” i think half the adults turned around to look and i heard a bunch of people say YES!!! It was too funny. Issac’s dad was SO impressed that Cass knew that version of the game. There were about 15 rounds of it before TMBG came out to start the show. Patrice says “Do those guys AGE?!?” they play a great little set that I had to hold Cass for because EVERYONE stood up and she could not see. She wanted to see THE DRUMMER. So cute. We rock out to Alphabet of Nations, Dr. Worm, Clap Your Hands and a few more. Then we get to wait in line to meet them! I have met TMBG MANY times before – in fact the first time was the day Patrice met Joey Mac from NKOTB and they fell all cute for each other. Cass waited very patiently, and handed her book to Flans. He asked her name and she SPELLED it to him. he says “Hey, that spells CASSIDY! I like that name!” he then offers her a ton of TMBG stickers, and passes her book to Linnell, who says hello and gives her the book. Then she sees THE DRUMMER, who is named Marty, and says “You were my favorite PART!” and he leans down and whispers “don’t tell those guys ok?” and winks at her. She giggles and says ‘please sign my book!’ and he smiled big and signed ‘Marty Beller – DRUMMER”.

It was a very fun night and Cass continues to rock my world..and i guess others as well!!!

"I'm not ashamed - i'm gonna show my scar"

TWO YEARS.

Billy left us two years ago and while the world has been a much quieter place, We carry on and we sing about him, speak about him and his spirit is alive in SO many of us. The music he loved brings us great memories, and moments to bawl our eyes out. But music is what has helped hold me together in the pain of losing my dearest and very first friend, a sibling who helped me to make it through the toughest times. Little did I know his leaving this world so early would be the toughest times yet. And what did I look to in those darkest moments? MUSIC. Some turned to Faith, some turned to therapy, so didn’t turn to anything or anyone. In those first few months, I immersed myself in music. I would go out for a drive, by myself, and play songs that i could sing along or scream along to. Even in the days we were in Virginia Beach, music came to comfort me, to help me confront my feelings, my pain. I feel that Bill would send me this music – i turn on the radio and The Offspring’s “Gone Away” would instantly start. Another day, i’m driving around in the freezing rain, feeling despondent and lost, and the radio begins Smashing Pumpkins ‘Muzzle’, which i feel is Bill’s song. It’s not a song you would usually hear on the radio. I sang along and sobbed through it and ended up stopping the car, screaming alone in the car, angry at those people that blew up New York, angry at Sarcoid for existing, and even angry at Bill for leaving me, for leaving us. After bruising my hands and arms from beating the car, right afterwards “Your Spirit’s Alive” by the Dropkick Murphys came on – and i felt the hint through the music. Bill’s spirit is alive, in me, in all of us, in our nephews and my daughter. Two years later, my scar of loss is still healing, and it opens up here and there to help me get the hurt out some more. But I feel that peace has finally started to come to me. Somehow, i woke up yesterday morning and felt OK. I felt Bill smiling at me from somewhere and telling me he was ok, and get up and have an AWESOME day. Which is exactly what i did. I will continue to Carry On, live my life to the fullest and honor my brother however I can. THANK YOU to everyone who has supported us, Bill’s Friends and Family, through these two years. I leave you with my usual signature of lyrics. These being from My Chemical Romance, from a CD given to me by a great lady and I hope she knows how much it means to me, even all these years later.

“And when you're gone we want you all to know

We'll carry on, We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
Until my heart I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it”

Well, we are mostly moved into our new home. Our home! To bring y’all up to speed, my awesome mother in law, Momma T, sold her smaller house with the tiny apartment and bought a large two family home, for Michael, Cass and I to share with her. She did this to help us out, and i am eternally grateful. We moved in last Tuesday, and to put it bluntly, the former tenants left it a freakin mess. They left a ton of junk in the basement, attic, and second floor. They left the place so dirty that i’ve only been able to put a dent in it. I finished the kitchen last night. The walls all need to be redone. the stripping of wallpaper and painting of walls will happen soon. We will also need to pull up the disgusting wall to wall carpet, that is so stained in places i cannot imagine living like that. utterly gross. They even left half-filled ashtrays and cigarette butts! All the drawers in the kitchen had crumbs and spilled food in them. There is a layer of dust everywhere. Our stove is unusable. And so many other things i could list – but all in all, WE HAVE A PERMANENT HOME!!!!! And we get to make it our own. So i am really looking forward to that. i’ve never done any kind of home improvement.
Maybe I can call Ty Pennington to come over and help. heh heh heh...

But really, if anyone has any advice/help/ideas, let me know. It’s appreciated. I also want to have a painting party soon. If anyone likes to paint and is local, let me know!! I am also trying to figure out the whole pulling up old carpet thing. I am hoping we have decent floors underneath.



I hope everyone had a good Halloween/Blessed Samhain! We had a good time. Cassidy wore her mermaid costume and was very happy with her red hair. :) we did lots of trick or treating and saw Jack Skellington! The week before Cass and I met my lovely friend Kim (who I worked with at Target Pharmacy when I lived in the Poconos) and her family in Salem. Cass and I went on the Ghost Hunt tour with them and we visited a really lovely shop called Crow Haven Corner. I used to be a Witch and have kind of stopped all religious type practice for a few years now..but being in that shop i felt such a sense of peace i had not felt in a very long time.

Hmmm. Something to think about.

music

you know how music can totally own your soul? your spirit? how it can heal wounds? ease pain? well, it does that for me. every time i find myself losing it, i scramble for something to soothe me, or something to get ANGRY with, or just something to put in my head besides the madness or pain or anger i don't feel like dealing with at the moment. I will put on that album from the 80s that brings tears to my eyes, or find that song i downloaded of that goddess with a ukelele covering a song that makes me feel like someone totally gets me. some days it's only Billie Joe that i want to hear. this angry punk boy grown up to write songs that made me feel things i had not let myself feel in a long time. Music..sometimes i feel like it is my true religion.