I feel good. HAH! (James brown-esque yell)
I feel like a fog has lifted. Even with the bleary dreary weather i can feel sun on my face. Clouds are disappearing. Smiles appear easily. My future is feeling clearer and filled with more hope than i have had in a long time. This was a good decision, so far :)
Just to clarify, i am not completely off medicines. I was instructed to continue on wellbutrin and so far, so good. I really feel great.
I’d feel even BETTER if Cassidy had had a better night last night. She went to sleep around 8 (8!!) And woke up once at 11 but went back to sleep. Then at around 3 she woke up and wanted to go into the living room, wanted juice and for me to cuddle with her on the couch. Not Daddy, who has off work today!! Nope. Ma-Ma! And she fell back to sleep at 5:30, when i usually wake up. *YAWWWWN* but at the same time, I’m glad due to the CPAP i get much better sleep now and can handle a day with 3 hours of sleep. I am doing fine today. I had some coffee and eggies and yogurt for breakfast.
The diabetes update is: we are UNDER CONTROL!!!! The insulin change is helping me so much. It’s the same amount as i took while pregnant. I have not had a bad reading since the weekend. I have had a few low readings but i have been able to fix that easily. One Day at a Time. (I wish that Pat Harrington as Schneider would be our buildings Super!) The PCP i see wanted me to either try Weight Watchers to help with my weight loss but also referred me to a weight management clinic. I’m not sure which path to take but i am glad I’ve got a doctor who understands what i want and is not just saying ‘get more exercise!’ ‘Eat less!’ but actually giving me advice that feels helpful.
Now i have to type up minutes for a meeting tomorrow morning. I like the minutes. I feel like I’m in some sort of club.
Monday, March 31, 2008
A favorite Memory
i think it was the summer of 2000.
I went to see a concert with my siblings Billy, Patrice and Colleen. all four of us loved taking each other to see our fave music and make each other fans if possible. It was a Red Hot Chili Peppers show, but we were going mainly to see Stone Temple Pilots, Colleen's favorite band. Fishbone was the first act and it was SO great to see them! the show was great, but it was after the show that sticks in my mind. The ampitheater, Jones Beach, was right on the water. a full moon was above. Colleen had a single ticket in the front, and Bill, Tree and I were in the back, waiting for her to meet us. they began to play the Nirvana UNplugged version of 'Where did you sleep last night', and th three of us began singing it together. Patrice has a voice that knocks people on thier ass, as does Billy. we sang our hearts out. people were stopping and watching, some joined in. the three of us hugged as we sang and when the song ended, there was around 100 people there yelling and clapping. it was such a warm feeling to share with my sibs and the random people...
Earlier that night, Bill and Patrice performed Pearl Jam's 'Porch' at the tailgate in the parking lot (yes, tailgates for concerts = a family tradition) and the pain that my sister was going through at that time really shone through, by the end all of us were in tears but it really helped her a lot.
i like writing about memories. i think i'll do this more.
i'd just like to say that i miss Bill so much right now. i wanted to send him the photo of David Ortiz and Reggie Jackson, where Papi is holding Reggie and i wanted to make a baloon from Reggie saying "I must kill...the Queen!" and the caption would say "Big Papi saves The Queen" or something silly like that because seeing Reggie always reminds me of The Naked Gun (Enrico Pallazo!)..well, that and the Reggie candy bar we used to buy off the ice cream truck.
I went to see a concert with my siblings Billy, Patrice and Colleen. all four of us loved taking each other to see our fave music and make each other fans if possible. It was a Red Hot Chili Peppers show, but we were going mainly to see Stone Temple Pilots, Colleen's favorite band. Fishbone was the first act and it was SO great to see them! the show was great, but it was after the show that sticks in my mind. The ampitheater, Jones Beach, was right on the water. a full moon was above. Colleen had a single ticket in the front, and Bill, Tree and I were in the back, waiting for her to meet us. they began to play the Nirvana UNplugged version of 'Where did you sleep last night', and th three of us began singing it together. Patrice has a voice that knocks people on thier ass, as does Billy. we sang our hearts out. people were stopping and watching, some joined in. the three of us hugged as we sang and when the song ended, there was around 100 people there yelling and clapping. it was such a warm feeling to share with my sibs and the random people...
Earlier that night, Bill and Patrice performed Pearl Jam's 'Porch' at the tailgate in the parking lot (yes, tailgates for concerts = a family tradition) and the pain that my sister was going through at that time really shone through, by the end all of us were in tears but it really helped her a lot.
i like writing about memories. i think i'll do this more.
i'd just like to say that i miss Bill so much right now. i wanted to send him the photo of David Ortiz and Reggie Jackson, where Papi is holding Reggie and i wanted to make a baloon from Reggie saying "I must kill...the Queen!" and the caption would say "Big Papi saves The Queen" or something silly like that because seeing Reggie always reminds me of The Naked Gun (Enrico Pallazo!)..well, that and the Reggie candy bar we used to buy off the ice cream truck.
The State Of The Jenne - 3.17.08
The smile that keeps me going every day!
Nothing to fear nothing to hide..that is what my journal says to me everyday.
Lift me up from the bottom EVERYDAY.
Things are weird. My body is fighting against me like crazy. One part says one thing and the other says no and the meds all stopped working properly. But these things are not what is bothering me. So many people I love are sad and in pain and hurting and I feel so helpless. I wish I could do *something* and it kills me inside. All the therapy in the world could not make that go away. I just wish P could find peace. I even don't know how to write in here properly any more. Sometimes I don't want to bother anyone. Sometimes I feel almost like I can't write in a journal, even if it was just me because when the words come out I am afraid of them. I don't worry about what others think. It's more my own mind. I *can* tell the therapist but I'm not ready to write.
And sometimes when I feel sad for myself, I watch Home Makeover and see the family with a broken trailer and a sick baby and say holy SHIT. I have it so damn good. My husband is a decent, loving man who takes care of us. My daughter is healthy and happy and smart and funny. I'm still here. My car works ok. My home is cluttered but happy and filled with love.
Doctors are still fighting over what meds to give me. I said 'how about none??" and they LAUGHED. Silly bitches!!!
It looks like I am going to be working on losing weight. But half the meds I have been on cause weight gain. It's at the point now where we have to decide what to tackle, and it looks like this: Blood sugar and weight loss are #1. so that is what we will work on. No more lithium for now. the pdoc and therapist will keep tabs on it, and I will be filling out a Mood Chart every day, along with the diabetes chart. I am a CHARTIN FOOL!!!!
It's going to be ok. Because it HAS TO BE OK.
So there's the current contents of my mind. Thank you for reading about me.
Love, your pal,
Jenne
2.27.08
Seen in the ladies room today:
:If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie”.
Many LOL’s ensued following the posting of these little signs.
It reminds me of the one my stepdad had posted near our family pool:
“This is our OOL.
Notice there is no P in it.
Please keep it that way”
In other news, I’m being mentally reevaluated and starting with a new therapist that specializes in female bipolar patients and she is also a well-known grief counselor. The one i had seen is very nice but she works mostly with children, so she found me a Big Girl therapist *grin*.
I have been doing better with this whole mourning thing. I have noticed that people don’t like dealing with a friend in mourning. I had someone actually contact me and say they had a hard time dealing with what i am going through and to not be offended if they don’t respond to me the way they used to. I said, no problem. Because i have the support i need in my family alone and anything extra is just icing on the cake. I appreciate the internet hugs and words of support so very much. I can imagine it’s not fun to read 8 million posts about how sad i am and i really don’t want to be Eeyore/Morrissey all the time, you know?? It’s easy to smile when i think of Bill, because all he did was make me happy/laugh. So don’t be afraid, I’m doing ok. Really. This sucks, but i have to take my father’s advice and do what it takes to be well right now. my family needs me, my friends need me, my job needs me.
It’s so freaking busy here i don’t know how i even find time to eat lunch most days. I enjoy it though. I am doing well in the eyes of my co workers and Boss. My cognitive issues don’t seem to be affecting things here...though i did call my one co worker by the wrong name. i was so mortified!
:If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie”.
Many LOL’s ensued following the posting of these little signs.
It reminds me of the one my stepdad had posted near our family pool:
“This is our OOL.
Notice there is no P in it.
Please keep it that way”
In other news, I’m being mentally reevaluated and starting with a new therapist that specializes in female bipolar patients and she is also a well-known grief counselor. The one i had seen is very nice but she works mostly with children, so she found me a Big Girl therapist *grin*.
I have been doing better with this whole mourning thing. I have noticed that people don’t like dealing with a friend in mourning. I had someone actually contact me and say they had a hard time dealing with what i am going through and to not be offended if they don’t respond to me the way they used to. I said, no problem. Because i have the support i need in my family alone and anything extra is just icing on the cake. I appreciate the internet hugs and words of support so very much. I can imagine it’s not fun to read 8 million posts about how sad i am and i really don’t want to be Eeyore/Morrissey all the time, you know?? It’s easy to smile when i think of Bill, because all he did was make me happy/laugh. So don’t be afraid, I’m doing ok. Really. This sucks, but i have to take my father’s advice and do what it takes to be well right now. my family needs me, my friends need me, my job needs me.
It’s so freaking busy here i don’t know how i even find time to eat lunch most days. I enjoy it though. I am doing well in the eyes of my co workers and Boss. My cognitive issues don’t seem to be affecting things here...though i did call my one co worker by the wrong name. i was so mortified!
17 february 2008
Cassidy and Mommy at Disney World Gosh, I have been horrid about my posting lately! It’s just been SO busy at work and then I get home and it's busy and then sleep! but it's starting to slow a bit. Today I am going to finish cleaning the apartment and organize a bit.
Yesterday we went to Mike's Uncle' Ray's 60th birthday party. It was very fun and his daughter and wife did a great job. The funniest thing was the dj/band type thing. It was this little tiny Joe Peschi-esque dude with a bad rug and a husky-voiced lady singer. They played some (very few) original songs and then they sang karaoke style to everything else. And even with the little TV screen they still messed up the words to EVERY song. :) But it was funny so it didn't matter. The food tried really hard to be great and we were at a table with mike's mom and seester and also his cousin Lisa and her boyfriend, Ned. We really love Lisa and Ned. last night Mike called him Nedward Scissorhands. I almost peed laughing. Cass had a great time dancing and eating snackyfood, but the singing started to annoy her, she started covering her ears with her hands and looking upset. We left shortly after that. another silly moment was when some other cousins, Eric for one, started posing with a face painted on the wall, making it appear to be drinking a beer, kissing it, high fiving...it was very silly and awesome.
Cassidy is still in love with all things Disney. she saw the characters she met on TV and was talking about how she 'hug Mickey' 'see Mickey!’. she seemed like she really loved our trip. i don't regret bringing her at all. i had a lot of people warn me that it would not be too fun for her or us. She really impressed me with her attitude and patience and temperament. she received her very first haircut at the Magic Kingdom. it looks so cute and it is nice and short and manageable. She went on many rides, and i could not get over how much she loved Pirates of the Caribbean. She also liked the Haunted Mansion, Dumbo, the teacups..oh, gosh, i don't think she disliked anything! when we went to Animal Kingdom, we did the Safari ride, and one of the jeeps in front of us went on fire and we were stuck in there for a while! she was so happy because she saw real giraffe right in front of her eyes, so close you could almost pet them. and she loves the fireworks shows and parades and Fantasmic. i'm so very glad she enjoyed herself. one of the best moments was her first meeting with Mickey Mouse - she ran right up to him. it ws like a commercial. Suddenly i realized i was CRYING! what a freakin' dork!!!! :) oh, and while i did not get to meet Captain Jack, we did get to eat at my two favorite eateries..Biergarten and Teppan Edo. mmmmmm.The other thing that touched me was seeing the Finding Nemo musical - i LOVED it and the music was so great I bought the CD. Cassidy loved it too, but she got upset when she saw the characters being hurt or sad, especially Nemo and Marlon being separated. she was saying 'Nemo Daddy gone!'. but then end of the show came on and she was so happy they were together and safe :) that night we were driving back to Dan's house, and all of a sudden Cass began to cry, so very sadly, and saying 'Nemo Gone!!' and crying these big tears. i'd never heard her sound that sad! it touched me to hear her have such a big heart and be worried like that. my poor girl. of course, i felt a little bad that i'd bought the CD for us to enjoy together and it made her upset! we'll try again with it one day.
Next weekend in New York, my father is having a special memorial mass for my brother Bill. He really had no input to the services down south and it means a lot to him to have something in the area where we grew up. This is great, because there were a lot of friends and family that could not get to Virginia Beach for his funeral. today Dad put a memorial notice in the Long Island paper so people know about the service.
every day it gets the tiniest bit easier. I am so thankful that my relationship with my brother was so strong and happy and fun. it's like we have always been ok, and i have not a single regret now that he's gone. every memory i have is happy. i laugh my ass off thinking about him. There are moments that suck. like at the party last night and Ray was dancing with all his sisters and my brain reminds me Bill and I will never dance at his 60th birthday party. i had to have a little moment, but then i was ok. the grief counselor tells me it's OK to do that, have those little moments. it's ok to write and talk about him, and it's ok to smile when i think about his life and our relationship.
to sum up, i fell pretty damn good despite the suckage that tries to destroy my spirit!
I was so proud of Bill when he decided to drive to NYC on 9-11 (His 30th birthday) and offer his help in whatever way he could. He was an EMT, a nursing student and a sergeant in the Army. He spent about 4 days there, staying at a doctor’s apartment he’d befriended. He helped firefighters and rescue workers with their lacerations and bumps, gave oxygen when it was needed, and even did a little DNA testing. He showed up at Patrice’s bridal shower that weekend and gosh, I don’t remember ever being so happy to see someone safe and smiling and feeling such pride in this person, this big ol goofy man did such wonderful, important things.
I never thought that doing all that would end up killing him. I never thought Bill would be considered a Victim of September 11th…until today.
We received some news and found that the cause of Bill’s death was definitely the sarcoidosis he contracted from working at ground zero. They were not sure, but my mother in law is friendly with the medical examiner and he gave her some information. The disease had spread from his lungs to his heart, spleen, liver, kidneys and skin.
His heart was very enlarged. And the last thing the doctor said was “This man died because of September 11th, and the selfless things he did that day. He is a hero, and he should be considered a victim of those attacks”.
Needless to say, I’m just struck with a ton of emotion and I don’t know what to say right now except that I am doing ok and please don’t worry about me.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;"
I never thought that doing all that would end up killing him. I never thought Bill would be considered a Victim of September 11th…until today.
We received some news and found that the cause of Bill’s death was definitely the sarcoidosis he contracted from working at ground zero. They were not sure, but my mother in law is friendly with the medical examiner and he gave her some information. The disease had spread from his lungs to his heart, spleen, liver, kidneys and skin.
His heart was very enlarged. And the last thing the doctor said was “This man died because of September 11th, and the selfless things he did that day. He is a hero, and he should be considered a victim of those attacks”.
Needless to say, I’m just struck with a ton of emotion and I don’t know what to say right now except that I am doing ok and please don’t worry about me.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;"
1.29.08
Happy almost end of January, everyone. Here I sit at a new desk, with new people and duties and noises and atmosphere. It’s a good change. It was a good decision. On everybody’s part. The cubes are smaller and not as private, you can hear everything everyone is doing. There’s really no where to go and grab a bite to eat. This is good, because now I’ll be better about bringing lunch. Not that I eat lunch these days. It’s more like a yogurt or some fruit or a bagel. I have nice ‘neighbors’ and work with mainly women. My boss is very nice. Tough, but nice. She needs her things done NOW and expects tasks finished when she wants them. I must be doing well because she tells me she is glad I am here. I also like that if a make a mistake she tells me about it and we fix the problem. Plus, she’s very pleasant to talk to and has a good sense of humor. I like the tasks I am assigned. I enjoy working with the Visio program and creating flowcharts and also I helped put together an Encounter Form – something the doctor’s use when they meet with a patient and can circle diagnosis or treatment info. I have a broken printer and phone cord, but I’m still having fun. I am so excited to be working for a company I really like and respect. My little “Brigham & Women’s” id badge makes me smile.
We are headed to Orlando next Wednesday. It will be fun to visit Dan and Kristen as well as that Mickey Mouse guy. Oh and Dan has a new puppy named Fenway Parker. Hee hee. It will be a much needed vacation and this week it’s in the 70’s there. Maybe it will stay. Cass seems psyched to meet Mickey and all those Disney peeps. I am looking forward to the Buzz Lightyear ride so I can shoot ZURG again. And fireworks, and parades. I need a dose of Disney.
So my father and stepmom are having a memorial Mass for Bill on Long Island on February 23rd. I have had a lot of people ask about something like this and if you can make it, you are welcome. If you just want to pay respects, if you’re a friend we have not seen in ages or if you just want to stop by and say hello, you are welcome. We’ll be having a dinner thingy afterwards. If you are interested in coming, just comment and I’ll email the details out. I’d post it but we have an issue with someone causing so trouble recently.
Well, back to work for me. Lunch is over.
Love and cheese sammiches,
Jenne
We are headed to Orlando next Wednesday. It will be fun to visit Dan and Kristen as well as that Mickey Mouse guy. Oh and Dan has a new puppy named Fenway Parker. Hee hee. It will be a much needed vacation and this week it’s in the 70’s there. Maybe it will stay. Cass seems psyched to meet Mickey and all those Disney peeps. I am looking forward to the Buzz Lightyear ride so I can shoot ZURG again. And fireworks, and parades. I need a dose of Disney.
So my father and stepmom are having a memorial Mass for Bill on Long Island on February 23rd. I have had a lot of people ask about something like this and if you can make it, you are welcome. If you just want to pay respects, if you’re a friend we have not seen in ages or if you just want to stop by and say hello, you are welcome. We’ll be having a dinner thingy afterwards. If you are interested in coming, just comment and I’ll email the details out. I’d post it but we have an issue with someone causing so trouble recently.
Well, back to work for me. Lunch is over.
Love and cheese sammiches,
Jenne
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