Note to self

it will get better.

i know, but right now it really sucks.

well, buck up, little camper, as Charles De Mar used to tell Lane Meyer.

I'll do the best I can.

i have my Performance Review at work today.
those always make me nervous, even though my boss lady tells me I Rock every day.

I should listen to her. i DO rock.
even though i am tired and i forgot my lunch today.

ok, well, I've got to go.

*cursing stupid Filemaker*

jenne out.

i wish the pain would stop.
the worrying.
the hurts.
i wish i could find a job that i can handle being at, without having to constantly get up and walk away and try to smile.
and i wish i wish i could defeat the evils in my mind and body.

the end.

hi, i'm Jenne.

Epic.

Epic is the name of the song that just started on the radio. Well, not the radio, but the stream. Epic is a word i don’t use often, but I like when people use it to describe a win or a fail.

I also like when the spell check understand what I tried to type when my brain spells it backwards. I right click, and lo and behold, the correct spelling is RIGHT THERE, even though it didn't look close to the original word.

Your faith walks on broken glass...
My faith in certain things and situations and people has been on the fence at times but somehow i find my way. i draw my faith from different paths i’ve taken. I like my life this was. I like ME this way. the bits that don’t fit properly may find their was one day, but even if they don’t, I’ll handle it!

I finally watched the movie 500 Days of Summer. I was excited to watch it because i’d heard it was good. I liked the way the movie was made; i liked the way it looked. I had a hard time with the story. It hit a bit too close to home in some ways. It brought back some heartache i’d had in the past that i’d worked so hard to remove from my brain. I did not like revisiting it, because that part of my life was hard. I mean, i’m over it at this point in my life, but it felt like someone was trying to reopen a wound that had healed so long ago. But damn, a flash mob dance sequence to a Hall and Oates song made the rest of the movie dealable.

My name is Jenne. I want to write about stuff and when i do, i’ll do it here. Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Cassidy = Awesome. 12/2009

Cassidy = awesome.

I brought her the other night to an in store They Might Be Giants show at the Borders in Braintree. TMBG were promoting their new children’s book “KIDS GO”. We meet Patrice there, who is in this new frenzy of love for The Twilight Thing. That alone was fodder for laughter, but it got better as the night went on. There was a giant Twilight display near the spot we staked out for the show. Cassidy points and tells Aunt Patrice “that is Eggward. He is a vampire and he loves the girl with the brown hair.” One parent starts laughing at the fact that Cass even remotely CARES about the story. It amuses me greatly, the things Cass picks up on. As we sat talking Patrice asks Cassidy “who do you like better, Edward or Jacob?”. Cassidy says “AWOOOOO!”.
Seriously. She howled like a wolf. This caused me to snarf my peppermint mocha drink. At this point Patrice goes to get more drinks and napkins. Cassidy begins to chat with other people. She meets Issac, whose dad was the one LOL’ing at Cass earlier. The kids chat a bit, they are both three, and then Cass asks Issac ‘would you like to play a game?” he says ok, and the dad asks ‘What game, Cassidy?” and she yells “ROCKPAPERSCISSORSLIZARDSPOCK!” i think half the adults turned around to look and i heard a bunch of people say YES!!! It was too funny. Issac’s dad was SO impressed that Cass knew that version of the game. There were about 15 rounds of it before TMBG came out to start the show. Patrice says “Do those guys AGE?!?” they play a great little set that I had to hold Cass for because EVERYONE stood up and she could not see. She wanted to see THE DRUMMER. So cute. We rock out to Alphabet of Nations, Dr. Worm, Clap Your Hands and a few more. Then we get to wait in line to meet them! I have met TMBG MANY times before – in fact the first time was the day Patrice met Joey Mac from NKOTB and they fell all cute for each other. Cass waited very patiently, and handed her book to Flans. He asked her name and she SPELLED it to him. he says “Hey, that spells CASSIDY! I like that name!” he then offers her a ton of TMBG stickers, and passes her book to Linnell, who says hello and gives her the book. Then she sees THE DRUMMER, who is named Marty, and says “You were my favorite PART!” and he leans down and whispers “don’t tell those guys ok?” and winks at her. She giggles and says ‘please sign my book!’ and he smiled big and signed ‘Marty Beller – DRUMMER”.

It was a very fun night and Cass continues to rock my world..and i guess others as well!!!

"I'm not ashamed - i'm gonna show my scar"

TWO YEARS.

Billy left us two years ago and while the world has been a much quieter place, We carry on and we sing about him, speak about him and his spirit is alive in SO many of us. The music he loved brings us great memories, and moments to bawl our eyes out. But music is what has helped hold me together in the pain of losing my dearest and very first friend, a sibling who helped me to make it through the toughest times. Little did I know his leaving this world so early would be the toughest times yet. And what did I look to in those darkest moments? MUSIC. Some turned to Faith, some turned to therapy, so didn’t turn to anything or anyone. In those first few months, I immersed myself in music. I would go out for a drive, by myself, and play songs that i could sing along or scream along to. Even in the days we were in Virginia Beach, music came to comfort me, to help me confront my feelings, my pain. I feel that Bill would send me this music – i turn on the radio and The Offspring’s “Gone Away” would instantly start. Another day, i’m driving around in the freezing rain, feeling despondent and lost, and the radio begins Smashing Pumpkins ‘Muzzle’, which i feel is Bill’s song. It’s not a song you would usually hear on the radio. I sang along and sobbed through it and ended up stopping the car, screaming alone in the car, angry at those people that blew up New York, angry at Sarcoid for existing, and even angry at Bill for leaving me, for leaving us. After bruising my hands and arms from beating the car, right afterwards “Your Spirit’s Alive” by the Dropkick Murphys came on – and i felt the hint through the music. Bill’s spirit is alive, in me, in all of us, in our nephews and my daughter. Two years later, my scar of loss is still healing, and it opens up here and there to help me get the hurt out some more. But I feel that peace has finally started to come to me. Somehow, i woke up yesterday morning and felt OK. I felt Bill smiling at me from somewhere and telling me he was ok, and get up and have an AWESOME day. Which is exactly what i did. I will continue to Carry On, live my life to the fullest and honor my brother however I can. THANK YOU to everyone who has supported us, Bill’s Friends and Family, through these two years. I leave you with my usual signature of lyrics. These being from My Chemical Romance, from a CD given to me by a great lady and I hope she knows how much it means to me, even all these years later.

“And when you're gone we want you all to know

We'll carry on, We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
Until my heart I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it”

Well, we are mostly moved into our new home. Our home! To bring y’all up to speed, my awesome mother in law, Momma T, sold her smaller house with the tiny apartment and bought a large two family home, for Michael, Cass and I to share with her. She did this to help us out, and i am eternally grateful. We moved in last Tuesday, and to put it bluntly, the former tenants left it a freakin mess. They left a ton of junk in the basement, attic, and second floor. They left the place so dirty that i’ve only been able to put a dent in it. I finished the kitchen last night. The walls all need to be redone. the stripping of wallpaper and painting of walls will happen soon. We will also need to pull up the disgusting wall to wall carpet, that is so stained in places i cannot imagine living like that. utterly gross. They even left half-filled ashtrays and cigarette butts! All the drawers in the kitchen had crumbs and spilled food in them. There is a layer of dust everywhere. Our stove is unusable. And so many other things i could list – but all in all, WE HAVE A PERMANENT HOME!!!!! And we get to make it our own. So i am really looking forward to that. i’ve never done any kind of home improvement.
Maybe I can call Ty Pennington to come over and help. heh heh heh...

But really, if anyone has any advice/help/ideas, let me know. It’s appreciated. I also want to have a painting party soon. If anyone likes to paint and is local, let me know!! I am also trying to figure out the whole pulling up old carpet thing. I am hoping we have decent floors underneath.



I hope everyone had a good Halloween/Blessed Samhain! We had a good time. Cassidy wore her mermaid costume and was very happy with her red hair. :) we did lots of trick or treating and saw Jack Skellington! The week before Cass and I met my lovely friend Kim (who I worked with at Target Pharmacy when I lived in the Poconos) and her family in Salem. Cass and I went on the Ghost Hunt tour with them and we visited a really lovely shop called Crow Haven Corner. I used to be a Witch and have kind of stopped all religious type practice for a few years now..but being in that shop i felt such a sense of peace i had not felt in a very long time.

Hmmm. Something to think about.

music

you know how music can totally own your soul? your spirit? how it can heal wounds? ease pain? well, it does that for me. every time i find myself losing it, i scramble for something to soothe me, or something to get ANGRY with, or just something to put in my head besides the madness or pain or anger i don't feel like dealing with at the moment. I will put on that album from the 80s that brings tears to my eyes, or find that song i downloaded of that goddess with a ukelele covering a song that makes me feel like someone totally gets me. some days it's only Billie Joe that i want to hear. this angry punk boy grown up to write songs that made me feel things i had not let myself feel in a long time. Music..sometimes i feel like it is my true religion.

my new life...

My new life, it has less teeth. lower blood sugar. a sick tummy. a less scrambled brain. blood work. more energy. it has the same wonderful amount of love and smiles, troubles and falls. I feel different. i feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. these years and years of wondering why, WHY do i not feel right? Why can't i do well in the things i want? why can't i concentrate?? why can't i remember things, important things? why did i do things i am so regretful for? WHY??

So after months and months of talk therapy, Monique mentions ADD. I have mentioned that two of my sisters have it. I began reading about it and talking to people, and after a few weeks i see a psychologist for testing, talk and such. we speak for almost 2 hours, me answering questions for her and describing things. She had requested and received my school records from middle school and high school, and she gave me the official diagnosis.NOT bipolar. ADD. for years i felt like nothing was ever going to be right, even with great people in my life and a loving family and a baby. i just never feel like things are OK. every day, i'm waiting for the bad thing to happen. day in day out, which is then causing me huge amounts of anxiety i can't control.

i began meditating a while ago at MOnique's urging and it has been helping a bit, but the problem was i could NEVER set my mind to it..it would be off wandering, looking for the shiny thing it just saw. I feel now this may be a possibility as last night i tried it before bed. i fell asleep at midnight and did not wake up until Mike came in to kiss me goodbye at 6. this is HUGE for me. i ususally wake uup 10-15 times a night to check that Mike is ok, that Cass is ok. i try to get back to sleep and then those demons enter my brain and scare the crap out of me. Last night, i fought those demons as hard as i could. i asked them to get out of my head, let me be. GIVE ME PEACE. and they left. my dreams were full of win. i think there were turbines even!

This past monday i began taking Adderall. i also started taking iron pills to help my blood. Additionally i went back to face one of my biggest fears - The Dentist. My teeth have been falling apart for a few years and even getting cleanings were painful. i now have a very good hygenist and a very cool and nice dentist. No one judged me, picked on me or hurt me. everything was done with a smile and with respect. afterward, Dr. M and i spoke about what had to be the next step: oral surgery. the removal of 5 teeth. and something to replace them. i'm ready to do this now. i am not afraid. it is going to be ok.

after writing all this, the first thing that comes to mind is "I miss Bill". i want to call him and hear his voice but instead i just talk to him in othe ways. i know he hears me. i know he's there. but man, a years and 3 months later, i'm still feeling like a chunk was ripped out of my heart.

Thanks for reading my blog.

I pity the fool who plays a trick on me today!

Well, i don’t know of any fools i pity at the moment. I do know that this new Blog Every Day Of The Month might drive me nutty, but i am willing to try it. Today i don’t have much of anything to chat about. At least not now, but i will try again later tonight. Later, after LOST has messed with my head and someone else has been voted off Idol.

Sweetness Follows, Part One.

*note* i wrote this about 6 months ago and have re read it a thousand times. i've decided i want to start writing Part Two but not before i share Part One of this. Thank you for reading and comments are appreciated.

It's these little things, they can pull you under.

Live your life filled with joy and wonder.

I always knew this altogether thunder

was lost in our little lives.

Oh, oh, but sweetness follows.

Writing about R.E.M. and the impact they have had upon me since i was 13 years old

is something i have been trying to do for a long time.

The music is such a soundtrack of my life and even my first real love story.

It began when i bought the first album i ever purchased on my own – Murmur.

Through all the little fandoms and phases, they were always true and always what i wanted to listen to in every mood i had.

Many days i would play them over and over again and wore out tapes like crazy. I

n between classes, Michael Stipe’s voice would soothe me when they kids

at school made fun of my non name brand clothing

or not perfect hairstyle, or not being as smart or ‘cool’.

My face would read “Fuck you, you turds”

but my heart was breaking in a million pieces.

Why’re you trying to second guess me?

I am tired of second guessing

what will be your look this season?

Who will be your book this season?

I crushed on the boy at school who wore the REM tour shirt and played guitar, and had the Stipe-esque look and sound. He was shy and quiet but on stage he just blew me away. At the school dance i did not have a date, i just hung to the side, watching in awe as they covered one of my favorite songs...

We are young despite the years

we are concern

we are hope despite the times

all of the sudden, these days

Happy throngs, take this joy

wherever, wherever you go.

He left that year (our Junior year) to go to a special music school and i moved on. I met new friends outside of school during my summer job at a 7-11, especially a sweet boy from The Big City. I found people equally passionate about music. 1987 was the year i graduated high school, experienced my first real relationship, learned a lot about myself, went to a prom and my beloved grandmother passed away. The loss of her took away my love for painting and it was hard to listen to any music for some time. it was hard to be myself at all. i lost touch with a lot but when Document came out and i heard “It’s the end of the world..” i felt that it was the perfect theme for how i was feeling. My life was so very different. No school, not having to do anything but work and put money away to move to a place where i could be among musicians and artists and feel like i belonged.

Singer sing me a given, singer sing me a song

Standing on the shoulders of giants

everybody’s looking on

(Old man don’t lay so still you’re not yet young,

There’s time to teach, point to point,

Point observation, children carry reservations).

Standing on the shoulders of giants leaves me cold

A mean idea to call my own (call my own),

a hundred million birds fly away, away, away.

I think i listened to this song (King Of Birds) a hundred million times. The music that this band gave to me guided me to feel again, to be able to take those steps that i needed to make important changes. Green came out the next year and things grew brighter and stronger. I was living the life i wanted. I was assisting my aunt in raising her sons after her husband died suddenly and did everything i could to make her life easier. I went to see REM at Madison Square Garden and i felt like a crazy person because i cried through the whole show. Seeing Stipe for real had a huge impression on me. The whole band being right before me was unreal. I felt like i was in another world and sang every song and worshipped at the altar of my musical heroes. It was like a religious experience.

This is my world

And I am the world leader pretend

This is my life

And this is my time

I have been given the freedom

To do as I see fit

A couple of years pass. There is more sadness and moving around. I lose my godmother to AIDS. My Stepdad suffers from manic depression. My brother’s best friend dies in a car accident. I moved home to be close to my mother because she is hurting so much from her sister dying and her husband’s illness. I decide to get a job at a local factory. It is so boring but I made decent money and i was able to help out Mom, and still feed my music habit and buy art supplies. Patrice, my younger sister, is dating a New Kid On the Block and i am going to concerts with her – this was NOT as bad as it sounds. We had a lot of fun back then – but i was really missing something in my heart. I’d dated off and on. I had a sweet long distance relationship with a guy from Illinois who thought he was the next Depeche Mode. He was very talented and even wrote me a song. I wish a had a copy of it still. But even so, through all the people i’d dated, i never felt IT. That moment where you are struck down and you feel that mixture of attraction, physically and mentally. My friends all spoke of it, but it had never really knocked me on my ass the way it was about to.

Dreams they complicate my life

I was sitting at my work area and completing the mindless task i did for 8 hours a day. There were a couple of people that came in and tested our work to make sure they were correct. Today i noticed someone i’d never really noticed before. He was a handsome person, but something about him made my heart race. For days, i would look up the 6 times he came in to do the testing. I would try to catch his eye. But i always got shy and stopped. I decided to just worry about other things and forget him. Guys that i liked never liked me back anyway. Weeks later, i was outside in the little picnicky area and heard The Smiths playing from a car. My ears perked up and i tried to follow the sound. Someone here listens to the Smiths?? Cool! I see a beat-up old Volvo and inside is That Guy! I walk back to my eating place and giggle to myself.

The crush is back on!

My heart thrown open wide

In this near wild heaven

Not near enough.

Little by little i tried to know him. I learned his name (Michael) and what he did there (Science Lab Guy). He and i finally had a conversation after a co worker found out i liked him. We three had lunch and Michael asked if i read comics. Comics? Huh? Yes folks, this was the person that got me into comics. He came in the next morning and brought me a bag of goodies. Some issues of GrimJack and the Watchmen graphic novel. This was followed by The Flaming Carrot, Zot! And OMG The Sandman!! :) every day we would chat and have the best conversations and laugh and really enjoy the budding friendship. I never even thought to ask about his home life. And then i did. He was married with two children. My reaction was so good though, i was so proud of myself - i was excited to hear about his family. In my heart though, i was a little broken. Not surprised, because that was what i’d come to expect. This was during the summer that Out Of Time came out. I accepted this news and decided i would just enjoy the really great friend i had made, however much i wanted to kiss his beautiful smile every time i saw him.

Every whisper

Of every waking hour

I’mChoosing my confessions

Trying to keep an eye on you

Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh now i’ve said too much...

End of Part One.

Things of late, in bullets!

• Cassidy, Patrice and I went to IKEA this past Saturday. Cassidy saw a baby with a mole and said ‘Mama, that baby has a boo boo!’, and i said ‘no honey, that is a mole or a beauty mark’. Upon hearing this, she started yelling ‘MOLE! MOLE!’ and pointing at the baby. I pushed the cart as fast as i could to get away while saying ‘Cass, don’t say that please’ and she said ‘ok. We ran into them 3 more times and Cass would whisper ‘Mama, that baby does NOT have a boo boo’.


• I am currently wearing my gloves while typing because it is FRIGGIN COLD and they don’t have proper heat in this area of our building. They keep making excuses and complained about the space heaters we had. I suggested we all buy Snuggies and charge them to our work account.


• I am uncomfortable with one of the people Facebook keeps suggesting i add. Everytime i see this jerk’s face i yearn to pummel him with fists of Jenne fury. I want to say “FACEBOOK!!! Stop suggesting i add that giant ass candle dickwad!”
  
• When i wrote ‘dickwad’ above, it made me think of Bill or Ted (of the Excellent Adventures) yelling ‘you medieval dickweed!!’ I also enjoy that i added dickwad and dickweed to my Word dictionary.


• At work i am ‘Jenne’ but 70% of my co workers write my name as Jen or Jenn. My feet are now really cold too.


• Cassidy heard speed metal for the first time yesterday. We were listening to the WFNX morning show on the way to daycare and they were playing bits from some new music releases. One band was called “Lamb Of God’ and the music started. I looked at Cass and her eyes grew wide and she started singing along with it like this “RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!” and kinda banging her head. They stopped it and started playing something from the Jonas Brothers movie soundtrack and she said ‘ Mama, can they play the RAAAAH Monster Music again?’ my brother would be proud. We used to love moshing in our house to that kind of stuff years ago and freaking out Mom.


• I’m still tired and still waiting on test results but thankful for a really great husband who is so encouraging, helpful and kind. Having hugs from him every day makes a lot of crap very very bearable. Not to mention all the great things he does and says.


• Thanks, Husband Man. xox

PS: Cassidy Says "What you talkin bout, WILLIS?!?"

Happy Birthday, Bill Foronjy Jr.

Dear Bill,
(aka Mister Huh, Bippy, HEH!)

Every year we had the best birthday phone calls. we always tried to be around each other within that month and 2 days between our days of birth. i feel that one of the reasons Mike came into my life to because the plan was you would leave this world before me and now i have 9-11 to celebrate my husband.

Another thing is that it is so hard to look at your face or listen to our songs or watch a video and NOT smile. all you did was make me smile, or help me feel better.

after reading Dad's memories of your actual Birth Day, i laughed. you know what I remember about that day? that everyone was acting CRAZY, that Grandma Claire was there and brought me a plastic bowling set. i thought that was pretty awesome.

i remember your 6th birthday because it was MOm and Daddy Jack's wedding day. you helped Grandpa K give mom away, in your cool little suit. you gave her the biggest hug! After the wedding, when the wedding cake was served, they brought out another cake - FUDGIE THE WHALE!!!!! you were SO PSYCHED! you were a little sad that the wedding was on your birthday but you got over it ;) that's the kind of guy you always were! i also remember you, me and PAtrice drinking from the champange fountain. we were so naughty.

this morning as i took the T to work, playing my ipod the first song that came on my random shuffle? "Bartender' by Dave Matthews. it as followed by 10 or so songs that we both loved and sang together. it was so freakY! i cried in front of all the commuters. who cares? then i'm waiting for the connecting train, and i see a dude in a faded Yankees hat! not 5 minutes later a guy in a 'Don't make me go WALKEN on you!" HOW FREAKING WEIRD!

you always know how to find me Billy.

Happy birthday to my frist friend, my forever friend. The greatest brother and one of the BEST people i have ever known.

Thank you for being born. i love you and miss you more than i could ever express.

jenne (aka Miss Huh/Jeppy/Slangho)

PS - i'm so mad i can't tease you about "37!" today! ("in a row??")

(Cassidy, Jenne, Bill and Gannon - 11.07)

y'know what rocks?

Meeting The American Idol on your birthday :)

artsy jenne

i'm entering my first art show type thing since 1995. It's through the Quincy Art Association and the show is in September. I have a few things to enter already but want to finish this one that i have drawn out and still need to paint. it's something i've been planning to paint for Jenny Foronjy but have not had the time. now i am going to make that time. even if i decide it's not for the show, i am going to visit her in a few weeks so i can bring it to her.

No more wasting time. no more putting things off. many things on my plate, time to get them done. This is one of them.

These are My Heart Songs, Part One.

i seem to enjoy blogging on most thursdays
but mostly in the live journal, which i am getting bored of.



i was rickrolled by weezer in thier tune 'Heartsongs' off the Red Album.
i love the song because it speaks of how songs can mean so much to you.
they mention all the songs that touch you wether it be happy times or sad
or even silly. they mention cheesey 80's tunes, metal rock that made them want to learn guitar,
songs that made you really FEEL, songs that inspired them to become the band they are now.

So i decided to write about some of mine, a few at a time so i don't get emo on y'all. well, more so than usual.



Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant reminds me of my brother and his buddies torturing me at my 16th birthday party. Bill wanted to be the DJ and we let him, but ONLY if he did not play that song! so he promised. of course, he ended up putting it on 5 or 6 times. i remember trying to grab the 45 and throw it in the little stream next to our yard. even though they still played it, most of the party guests enjoyed the song :)

Overkill by Men At Work was a favorite back in high school but years later the greatness of this song was remembered when i lived in Mt Pocono, PA. I used to go see a local band who covered this song and it brings back good memories of a rough part of my life. It was especially fun when the bass player would sing the high part at the end and the crowd would be rooting him so he could make the high notes. There are many "heart songs" associated with this time.

Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine (also covered by The Postal Service) was a song i loved right away. It became more special when i became Cassidy's Mom, and the first time i ever held he and looked in her eyes, the first lines of the song popped into my head - "I think that it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned." it became her lullaby every night for the first few months of her life. Michael and i were married when she was about 3 months old and at our reception she and i had a little dance to this song.

more to come....

Cassidy and Jenne, May 2008

six months

"I fear that I'm ordinary, just like everyone

To lie here and die among the sorrows

Adrift among the days

For everything I ever said

And everything I've ever done

is gone and dead

As all things must surely have to end

And great lovers will one day have to part

I know that I am meant for this world

My life has been extraordinary

Blessed and cursed and won

Time heals but I'm forever broken

By and by the way...

Have you ever heard the wordsI'm singing in these songs?

It's for the girl I've loved all along

Can a taste of love be so wrong

As all things must surely have to end

And great lovers will one day have to part

I know that I am meant for this world

And in my mind as I was floating

Far above the clouds

Some children laughed I'd fall for certain

For thinking that I'd last forever

But I knew exactly where I was

And I knew the meaning of it all

And I knew the distance to the sun

And I knew the echo that is love

And I knew the secrets in your spires

And I knew the emptiness of youth

And I knew the solitude of heart

And I knew the murmurs of the soul

And the world is drawn into your hands

And the world is etched upon your heart

And the world so hard to understand

Is the world you can't live without

And I knew the silence of the world"

Bill passed away 6 months ago today.(6-17-08)

I would feel wrong if i did not make some sort of post.

These are the lyrics to his favorite song of all time.

they were written by another Billy.

Our sister Patrice sang this song with no accompaniment at his funeral.

She is also quite awesome.

I am doing ok. I want to stress that.

Even though i am sad does not mean i am not ok.

i feel good most of the time.

And i know i have some wonderful people in my life.

That helps SO much.

This song says so much more after losing Bill.

"Great lovers must some day have to part"

He and his wife Jenny were the greatest couple i had ever known - Two Babies Inc.

"My life has been extraordinary".

so true.

he was the peanut butter to my jelly.

my best friend.

my partner in crime.

I miss our silly language we made up when we were kids that we used into adulthood.

i miss calling each other with our awesome pop culture references.

i miss 'e-mayul' said like Homestar Runner.

i miss those huge hugs.

I heard this quote the other day and i really like it, so i'll end this with it.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,

which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,

and falling into at night.

I miss you like hell"

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Thank you for being there for me in the past 6 months.

It’s Thursday. When i was in high school some one had been sent home from school because they had a T shirt on that read Sure Happy It’s Thursday. The first letter of each word as MUCH bigger that the rest. Ahem.

My tummy is still in this giant fight with me about eating. I guess that is ok because they new medicine i will be taking for diabetes will be slowing the emptying of my stomach and I’m already not eating the amount i was 2 weeks ago from The Virus. We’ll know more soon. I hope this new medicine works well. I’m doing everything they are telling me to so we’ll see what happens. It may end up with me in an outpatient weight loss program at the hospital. I wish i worked at the hospital itself because they have a gym on site we could use, but i am looking into the one in the Longwood medical area.

I will be going out tonight i think Michael said it was the “banquet” at Bowling League, but also he will be at Apple all day and needs his bowling gear so i will pack up Cass and head over there for the evening. It will be good to see people.

Saturday is Free Comic Book day and Sunday the Walk For Hunger. In between i will do some cleaning and some planning for Bad Patty’s surprise party. I have lots of FUN this month. Much needed. After this weekend:

8th – Barenaked Ladies in store in Framingham with Cassidy.
9th – Chris Trapper at the Natick center for the Arts
10th – Best Music Poll concert with Death Cab and the PRESIDENTS!
11th – Mommie’s Day. no actual plans yet but it’s a day for da moms.
16th – go to CT for the celebration weekend - Gia marries Justin YAY!
17th – the aforementioned wedding!
24th – Earthfest starring CAKE!!
29th – RENT with Bad Patty, Patrice, Colleen and Jenny
30th - Dinner with friends in NY
31st - Bad Patty’s Surprise Party!

THEN THIS MONTH HAS BIRTHDAYS!
Today i believe is HAMMY’S birthday. Is it?
6th is Bad Patty’s birthday and Colleen and Wayne’s 3 year anniversary. Their wedding was the day that my family found out that Mike and I were going to be parents – because Bad Patty got drunk and told the world she was going to be a grandma. :)
13th ( i think)is my sister Nicole’s 22 birthday
15th is my stepmom Diane’s birthday. I am not sure what her age is. But it’s not too much older than me!
28th is MER
29th is Dad

I might be breaking up with regular Law and Order. Jesse L Martin left the show and i am not happy about it. I already miss Jerry Orbach (Lenny Briscoe for ever!) and Jesse had something special about him. Besides cuteness and being the original Tom Collins from RENT and i met him. He was a great character, i really liked the new partner he had. LOST is still awesome, as is The Office. I’ve been watching American Idol, and i still think David Cook is pretty cool. He rocks. I even downloaded some of his songs from itunes. i had a personal Top Three (Cook, Michael Johns and Carly) from Auditions week and all three were in the top ten!! So maybe i’ll even go to see them live. I know, I’m a dork. But who cares?? I like who i am! :) what else on TV...Celebreality! the magic show is funny. It has Kid from Kid N Play and he’s funny.

Music...i love the new weezer song. well, i love weezer in general. Loving the latest Foo Fighters a LOT. Wishing for my old Rick Astley cassette from 1989. my old boyfriend Bobby Deets looked like and crushed on Rick Astley. But then he dumped me and settled with a nice guy named Victor :) and then we ALL liked to watch cute boys together.

Speaking of old boyfriends, many years ago i was engaged for a short time to a boy named Ray. He was a nice kid but we were young and i ended up breaking up with him. He was very upset with me and we did not keep in touch. Last week he sent me a MySpace message and it was very nice so i wrote back. The note i got back was even sweeter. He’s grown into such a good guy. He lives with his disabled girlfriend and takes care of her while running his own computer business. He was badly hurt on 9-11-01 and has had a lot of years of pain but finally found peace and love in the arms of his sweetie and lives in Oregon happily. It warmed my heart so much to hear happy words from him. We’ve been sharing stories and it’s nice to have a new friend from the old days.

Feh. Time to go make photocopies. I have to fight for the copier all day with another admin who likes to use it ALL the time :)

Later!

PS - Cassidy had her 2 year old portraits done, here is one of the photos:

This child knocks me on my bum. :)

Hi There *waves*

i just posted a bunch from my Live Journal and thought it would be helpful to those who might come across me here. i want to know more people and write about things for more people and some days it seems like no one really reads my Live Journal. SO back to my blog.

here is a little bit more about me...

1.What was the last gift you received? A big box of scrap booking supplies from my stepmommie.
2.What was the occasion? Easter

3.What is your favorite love song? The Luckiest

4. Who was the last person you hugged? DeeDee

5. Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes. I did this morning!

6. Do opt for Truth or Dare? I opt for Cake or Death.

7. Have you ever regretted either choice? Not yet!

8. What on your body currently hurts? THIS THING ON MY BABY TOE. OWIE!

9. When was the last time you met some one new? A few weeks ago
10. What should you be doing right now? It’s free time – this is cool.

11. Does store security follow you? Only when one of the team had a crush on me at Target
12. What is your name spelled backwards? Reffinej srevart

13. What is your name spelled sideways? I can’t type it.
14. Did you ever lick a 9-Volt Battery? No
15. What’s your favorite comic strip? I love Mutts and Get Fuzzy and Zippy and my guilty pleasure is ‘for better or for worse’.
16. Do you always wear clean socks and underwear? yes
17. When was the last time you skipped in public? On the ferry pretending to be a pirate with Cassie.

18. Do you still laugh at I Love Lucy? Yes. Especially when Ethel and Fred argue.

19. Have you ever worn the same thing for an entire weekend? Hah yes
20. Name some one with the same birthday as you. Gillian Anderson!
21. What do you usually order from Starbucks? Just regular coffee. Sometimes one of those Vanilla Creme things.
22. If you were a light source, which would you be? A campfire
23. What is your motto for life? Keep on keeping on.

24. Do you think animals have real feelings? Yes

25. Does love conquer all? Yes

26. Do you believe in Karma? Absolutely!! But i didn’t learn it from Carson Daly like Earl did.
27. What do you think killed the dinosaurs? Serial killers.
28. Do real psychics exist? I don’t know.

29. What is in the backseat of your car right now? Cassie’s seat, toys, books and scarves.

30. How many times were you Student of the Month in elementary school? I was never Student of the Month but i was Artist of the month in 3rd grade!! They displayed 6 or so pieces of my work :) i was so excited!!

Cassidy on Easter Sunday...Cassidy in a dress?!?! WOW!

3.27.08

Part of my recent life changes and personal work i am doing with the counselor is i have to write every day about things in my brain whether it is me bitching about how Beauty and The Geek should not be Beauty VS the Geeks and that the girl who won Beauty and the geek 2 season ago didn’t really seem to have learned much from that experience if she was trying to date the Poison Guy on Rock O Love Dos, or something serious, or something Happy! Or The World We Live In and Life In General.

Tallulah the car is home. $600 later. the things they thought were wrong are repaired, however the reason i brought the car in the first place was the temperature gauge needle keeps climbing up toward the red. It never reaches it completely but it gets close, and it happens while idling and while driving. SO driving home yesterday, IT STARTED DOING IT AGAIN. I stopped to get the car washed, and called George at Columbia. He said that it may take a day or so before that stops happening. I said if it doesn’t we’re going to have a problem, that i have spent almost $1000 on ‘repairs’ in the past 2 weeks and the car is still seeming sick. I’ve decided that even though i felt so comfortable with Columbia and had bought the car there, i need to bring Lullah to a Ford dealer if this is not fixed. The reason this took so long was they had to order the parts from Ford. 2 extra days of rental car. They claimed it would have cost more to bring it to the Ford shop. So i decided to do a little detective work, and called the Ford shop where i have gone a few times. They said that they would gladly see me and Tallulah and work with me to figure out what was wrong. I explained what had happened and they said even if they towed it their price would only have been $50.

I’m still new to being a car owner. I bought Tallulah One in September 2000. She was the very last year 2000 Ford Focus made. I called her the Millennium Focus. I worked for a Ford Dealer at the time and fell in love with the car the day they brought in into the showroom. My boss helped me order the car and i hand picked everything. I did not even have my license yet, but i bought her as incentive. My then husband and i moved to Pa right after that. He used the car off and on but had his own. Once i got my license i drove that car everywhere. To Va, to NJ, to school an hour away, to Toronto, Buffalo, NY and Ma. This car had only one issue, and it was fixed easily. I had her for a little over three years and then had a bad car accident. http://mom-o-cass.livejournal.com/2003/11/25/
She was totaled. I said goodbye to my little green goddess of a car. A few months later i moved here.

When my stepfather passed away, he left us with a little something and one thing he told me was to get myself a car no matter what. So when i received the money, i looked online for a Focus. I decided having a station wagon would be a good idea. I was 8 months pregnant and knew i had to have a car before Cass arrived. I found a 2001 black Focus wagon with only 32K miles. It was at a Pontiac dealer. The salesman told me they had gotten it at an auction for dirt cheap. 10K later i was the proud owner of Tallulah Two. This was in 12/05, so it’s been a little over 2 years and the car still seems now to me. She has 60K miles right now.

I just hopehopehope she is going to be ok. I want to at least have her until we can afford to get a new car. She is mostly so reliable and has gotten me where I’ve needed to get me and my lil family. I’m so worried and upset and want this to work out. I also need to drive to CT on Sunday. And other places other days. I need this car to be well.

I feel a lot of the sad and anxiety I’m dealing with is more due to some recent news concerning family on both sides. Mike’s family was dealt another hard blow recently and it’s so heartbreaking, but also reminding us that life is so short and to really truly live every day to the fullest. On my side, there is a very upsetting situation concerning a sibling and i can’t write about it here because it’s too personal for me to do so. But I’m so very angry and sad for her and want so much to make her better. I’ve already lost one sibling...I’m praying this one is going to be ok. I’ve not been a big one on prayer, but i find myself doing something like that lately. My sister in law Jenny has sent me all this stuff about grief and grace and bible verses and scripture. She’s Christian and i notice it even more since Bill died. I see it’s bringing her a lot of peace and i am so very glad. I know Bill was Catholic but he was very into the Christian beliefs more than anything. I’m happy they had that together. I’ve never had a strong faith in particular area, but i always have felt spiritual in ways. I just never found the right path. Going to the UU church was one of the best things i ever did. I feel like i should go back and give it another run, but i also feel like i don’t need to go somewhere to be spiritual.

Well, i think i need to email this to my gmail so i can post it at work. I hope you all have a Lovely Day, just like that Bill Withers song. Thank you for reading.

3.20.08

I feel good. HAH! (James brown-esque yell)


I feel like a fog has lifted. Even with the bleary dreary weather i can feel sun on my face. Clouds are disappearing. Smiles appear easily. My future is feeling clearer and filled with more hope than i have had in a long time. This was a good decision, so far :)
Just to clarify, i am not completely off medicines. I was instructed to continue on wellbutrin and so far, so good. I really feel great.


I’d feel even BETTER if Cassidy had had a better night last night. She went to sleep around 8 (8!!) And woke up once at 11 but went back to sleep. Then at around 3 she woke up and wanted to go into the living room, wanted juice and for me to cuddle with her on the couch. Not Daddy, who has off work today!! Nope. Ma-Ma! And she fell back to sleep at 5:30, when i usually wake up. *YAWWWWN* but at the same time, I’m glad due to the CPAP i get much better sleep now and can handle a day with 3 hours of sleep. I am doing fine today. I had some coffee and eggies and yogurt for breakfast.

The diabetes update is: we are UNDER CONTROL!!!! The insulin change is helping me so much. It’s the same amount as i took while pregnant. I have not had a bad reading since the weekend. I have had a few low readings but i have been able to fix that easily. One Day at a Time. (I wish that Pat Harrington as Schneider would be our buildings Super!) The PCP i see wanted me to either try Weight Watchers to help with my weight loss but also referred me to a weight management clinic. I’m not sure which path to take but i am glad I’ve got a doctor who understands what i want and is not just saying ‘get more exercise!’ ‘Eat less!’ but actually giving me advice that feels helpful.

Now i have to type up minutes for a meeting tomorrow morning. I like the minutes. I feel like I’m in some sort of club.