It’s Thursday. When i was in high school some one had been sent home from school because they had a T shirt on that read Sure Happy It’s Thursday. The first letter of each word as MUCH bigger that the rest. Ahem.

My tummy is still in this giant fight with me about eating. I guess that is ok because they new medicine i will be taking for diabetes will be slowing the emptying of my stomach and I’m already not eating the amount i was 2 weeks ago from The Virus. We’ll know more soon. I hope this new medicine works well. I’m doing everything they are telling me to so we’ll see what happens. It may end up with me in an outpatient weight loss program at the hospital. I wish i worked at the hospital itself because they have a gym on site we could use, but i am looking into the one in the Longwood medical area.

I will be going out tonight i think Michael said it was the “banquet” at Bowling League, but also he will be at Apple all day and needs his bowling gear so i will pack up Cass and head over there for the evening. It will be good to see people.

Saturday is Free Comic Book day and Sunday the Walk For Hunger. In between i will do some cleaning and some planning for Bad Patty’s surprise party. I have lots of FUN this month. Much needed. After this weekend:

8th – Barenaked Ladies in store in Framingham with Cassidy.
9th – Chris Trapper at the Natick center for the Arts
10th – Best Music Poll concert with Death Cab and the PRESIDENTS!
11th – Mommie’s Day. no actual plans yet but it’s a day for da moms.
16th – go to CT for the celebration weekend - Gia marries Justin YAY!
17th – the aforementioned wedding!
24th – Earthfest starring CAKE!!
29th – RENT with Bad Patty, Patrice, Colleen and Jenny
30th - Dinner with friends in NY
31st - Bad Patty’s Surprise Party!

THEN THIS MONTH HAS BIRTHDAYS!
Today i believe is HAMMY’S birthday. Is it?
6th is Bad Patty’s birthday and Colleen and Wayne’s 3 year anniversary. Their wedding was the day that my family found out that Mike and I were going to be parents – because Bad Patty got drunk and told the world she was going to be a grandma. :)
13th ( i think)is my sister Nicole’s 22 birthday
15th is my stepmom Diane’s birthday. I am not sure what her age is. But it’s not too much older than me!
28th is MER
29th is Dad

I might be breaking up with regular Law and Order. Jesse L Martin left the show and i am not happy about it. I already miss Jerry Orbach (Lenny Briscoe for ever!) and Jesse had something special about him. Besides cuteness and being the original Tom Collins from RENT and i met him. He was a great character, i really liked the new partner he had. LOST is still awesome, as is The Office. I’ve been watching American Idol, and i still think David Cook is pretty cool. He rocks. I even downloaded some of his songs from itunes. i had a personal Top Three (Cook, Michael Johns and Carly) from Auditions week and all three were in the top ten!! So maybe i’ll even go to see them live. I know, I’m a dork. But who cares?? I like who i am! :) what else on TV...Celebreality! the magic show is funny. It has Kid from Kid N Play and he’s funny.

Music...i love the new weezer song. well, i love weezer in general. Loving the latest Foo Fighters a LOT. Wishing for my old Rick Astley cassette from 1989. my old boyfriend Bobby Deets looked like and crushed on Rick Astley. But then he dumped me and settled with a nice guy named Victor :) and then we ALL liked to watch cute boys together.

Speaking of old boyfriends, many years ago i was engaged for a short time to a boy named Ray. He was a nice kid but we were young and i ended up breaking up with him. He was very upset with me and we did not keep in touch. Last week he sent me a MySpace message and it was very nice so i wrote back. The note i got back was even sweeter. He’s grown into such a good guy. He lives with his disabled girlfriend and takes care of her while running his own computer business. He was badly hurt on 9-11-01 and has had a lot of years of pain but finally found peace and love in the arms of his sweetie and lives in Oregon happily. It warmed my heart so much to hear happy words from him. We’ve been sharing stories and it’s nice to have a new friend from the old days.

Feh. Time to go make photocopies. I have to fight for the copier all day with another admin who likes to use it ALL the time :)

Later!

PS - Cassidy had her 2 year old portraits done, here is one of the photos:

This child knocks me on my bum. :)

Hi There *waves*

i just posted a bunch from my Live Journal and thought it would be helpful to those who might come across me here. i want to know more people and write about things for more people and some days it seems like no one really reads my Live Journal. SO back to my blog.

here is a little bit more about me...

1.What was the last gift you received? A big box of scrap booking supplies from my stepmommie.
2.What was the occasion? Easter

3.What is your favorite love song? The Luckiest

4. Who was the last person you hugged? DeeDee

5. Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes. I did this morning!

6. Do opt for Truth or Dare? I opt for Cake or Death.

7. Have you ever regretted either choice? Not yet!

8. What on your body currently hurts? THIS THING ON MY BABY TOE. OWIE!

9. When was the last time you met some one new? A few weeks ago
10. What should you be doing right now? It’s free time – this is cool.

11. Does store security follow you? Only when one of the team had a crush on me at Target
12. What is your name spelled backwards? Reffinej srevart

13. What is your name spelled sideways? I can’t type it.
14. Did you ever lick a 9-Volt Battery? No
15. What’s your favorite comic strip? I love Mutts and Get Fuzzy and Zippy and my guilty pleasure is ‘for better or for worse’.
16. Do you always wear clean socks and underwear? yes
17. When was the last time you skipped in public? On the ferry pretending to be a pirate with Cassie.

18. Do you still laugh at I Love Lucy? Yes. Especially when Ethel and Fred argue.

19. Have you ever worn the same thing for an entire weekend? Hah yes
20. Name some one with the same birthday as you. Gillian Anderson!
21. What do you usually order from Starbucks? Just regular coffee. Sometimes one of those Vanilla Creme things.
22. If you were a light source, which would you be? A campfire
23. What is your motto for life? Keep on keeping on.

24. Do you think animals have real feelings? Yes

25. Does love conquer all? Yes

26. Do you believe in Karma? Absolutely!! But i didn’t learn it from Carson Daly like Earl did.
27. What do you think killed the dinosaurs? Serial killers.
28. Do real psychics exist? I don’t know.

29. What is in the backseat of your car right now? Cassie’s seat, toys, books and scarves.

30. How many times were you Student of the Month in elementary school? I was never Student of the Month but i was Artist of the month in 3rd grade!! They displayed 6 or so pieces of my work :) i was so excited!!

Cassidy on Easter Sunday...Cassidy in a dress?!?! WOW!

3.27.08

Part of my recent life changes and personal work i am doing with the counselor is i have to write every day about things in my brain whether it is me bitching about how Beauty and The Geek should not be Beauty VS the Geeks and that the girl who won Beauty and the geek 2 season ago didn’t really seem to have learned much from that experience if she was trying to date the Poison Guy on Rock O Love Dos, or something serious, or something Happy! Or The World We Live In and Life In General.

Tallulah the car is home. $600 later. the things they thought were wrong are repaired, however the reason i brought the car in the first place was the temperature gauge needle keeps climbing up toward the red. It never reaches it completely but it gets close, and it happens while idling and while driving. SO driving home yesterday, IT STARTED DOING IT AGAIN. I stopped to get the car washed, and called George at Columbia. He said that it may take a day or so before that stops happening. I said if it doesn’t we’re going to have a problem, that i have spent almost $1000 on ‘repairs’ in the past 2 weeks and the car is still seeming sick. I’ve decided that even though i felt so comfortable with Columbia and had bought the car there, i need to bring Lullah to a Ford dealer if this is not fixed. The reason this took so long was they had to order the parts from Ford. 2 extra days of rental car. They claimed it would have cost more to bring it to the Ford shop. So i decided to do a little detective work, and called the Ford shop where i have gone a few times. They said that they would gladly see me and Tallulah and work with me to figure out what was wrong. I explained what had happened and they said even if they towed it their price would only have been $50.

I’m still new to being a car owner. I bought Tallulah One in September 2000. She was the very last year 2000 Ford Focus made. I called her the Millennium Focus. I worked for a Ford Dealer at the time and fell in love with the car the day they brought in into the showroom. My boss helped me order the car and i hand picked everything. I did not even have my license yet, but i bought her as incentive. My then husband and i moved to Pa right after that. He used the car off and on but had his own. Once i got my license i drove that car everywhere. To Va, to NJ, to school an hour away, to Toronto, Buffalo, NY and Ma. This car had only one issue, and it was fixed easily. I had her for a little over three years and then had a bad car accident. http://mom-o-cass.livejournal.com/2003/11/25/
She was totaled. I said goodbye to my little green goddess of a car. A few months later i moved here.

When my stepfather passed away, he left us with a little something and one thing he told me was to get myself a car no matter what. So when i received the money, i looked online for a Focus. I decided having a station wagon would be a good idea. I was 8 months pregnant and knew i had to have a car before Cass arrived. I found a 2001 black Focus wagon with only 32K miles. It was at a Pontiac dealer. The salesman told me they had gotten it at an auction for dirt cheap. 10K later i was the proud owner of Tallulah Two. This was in 12/05, so it’s been a little over 2 years and the car still seems now to me. She has 60K miles right now.

I just hopehopehope she is going to be ok. I want to at least have her until we can afford to get a new car. She is mostly so reliable and has gotten me where I’ve needed to get me and my lil family. I’m so worried and upset and want this to work out. I also need to drive to CT on Sunday. And other places other days. I need this car to be well.

I feel a lot of the sad and anxiety I’m dealing with is more due to some recent news concerning family on both sides. Mike’s family was dealt another hard blow recently and it’s so heartbreaking, but also reminding us that life is so short and to really truly live every day to the fullest. On my side, there is a very upsetting situation concerning a sibling and i can’t write about it here because it’s too personal for me to do so. But I’m so very angry and sad for her and want so much to make her better. I’ve already lost one sibling...I’m praying this one is going to be ok. I’ve not been a big one on prayer, but i find myself doing something like that lately. My sister in law Jenny has sent me all this stuff about grief and grace and bible verses and scripture. She’s Christian and i notice it even more since Bill died. I see it’s bringing her a lot of peace and i am so very glad. I know Bill was Catholic but he was very into the Christian beliefs more than anything. I’m happy they had that together. I’ve never had a strong faith in particular area, but i always have felt spiritual in ways. I just never found the right path. Going to the UU church was one of the best things i ever did. I feel like i should go back and give it another run, but i also feel like i don’t need to go somewhere to be spiritual.

Well, i think i need to email this to my gmail so i can post it at work. I hope you all have a Lovely Day, just like that Bill Withers song. Thank you for reading.

3.20.08

I feel good. HAH! (James brown-esque yell)


I feel like a fog has lifted. Even with the bleary dreary weather i can feel sun on my face. Clouds are disappearing. Smiles appear easily. My future is feeling clearer and filled with more hope than i have had in a long time. This was a good decision, so far :)
Just to clarify, i am not completely off medicines. I was instructed to continue on wellbutrin and so far, so good. I really feel great.


I’d feel even BETTER if Cassidy had had a better night last night. She went to sleep around 8 (8!!) And woke up once at 11 but went back to sleep. Then at around 3 she woke up and wanted to go into the living room, wanted juice and for me to cuddle with her on the couch. Not Daddy, who has off work today!! Nope. Ma-Ma! And she fell back to sleep at 5:30, when i usually wake up. *YAWWWWN* but at the same time, I’m glad due to the CPAP i get much better sleep now and can handle a day with 3 hours of sleep. I am doing fine today. I had some coffee and eggies and yogurt for breakfast.

The diabetes update is: we are UNDER CONTROL!!!! The insulin change is helping me so much. It’s the same amount as i took while pregnant. I have not had a bad reading since the weekend. I have had a few low readings but i have been able to fix that easily. One Day at a Time. (I wish that Pat Harrington as Schneider would be our buildings Super!) The PCP i see wanted me to either try Weight Watchers to help with my weight loss but also referred me to a weight management clinic. I’m not sure which path to take but i am glad I’ve got a doctor who understands what i want and is not just saying ‘get more exercise!’ ‘Eat less!’ but actually giving me advice that feels helpful.

Now i have to type up minutes for a meeting tomorrow morning. I like the minutes. I feel like I’m in some sort of club.

A favorite Memory

i think it was the summer of 2000.

I went to see a concert with my siblings Billy, Patrice and Colleen. all four of us loved taking each other to see our fave music and make each other fans if possible. It was a Red Hot Chili Peppers show, but we were going mainly to see Stone Temple Pilots, Colleen's favorite band. Fishbone was the first act and it was SO great to see them! the show was great, but it was after the show that sticks in my mind. The ampitheater, Jones Beach, was right on the water. a full moon was above. Colleen had a single ticket in the front, and Bill, Tree and I were in the back, waiting for her to meet us. they began to play the Nirvana UNplugged version of 'Where did you sleep last night', and th three of us began singing it together. Patrice has a voice that knocks people on thier ass, as does Billy. we sang our hearts out. people were stopping and watching, some joined in. the three of us hugged as we sang and when the song ended, there was around 100 people there yelling and clapping. it was such a warm feeling to share with my sibs and the random people...

Earlier that night, Bill and Patrice performed Pearl Jam's 'Porch' at the tailgate in the parking lot (yes, tailgates for concerts = a family tradition) and the pain that my sister was going through at that time really shone through, by the end all of us were in tears but it really helped her a lot.

i like writing about memories. i think i'll do this more.

i'd just like to say that i miss Bill so much right now. i wanted to send him the photo of David Ortiz and Reggie Jackson, where Papi is holding Reggie and i wanted to make a baloon from Reggie saying "I must kill...the Queen!" and the caption would say "Big Papi saves The Queen" or something silly like that because seeing Reggie always reminds me of The Naked Gun (Enrico Pallazo!)..well, that and the Reggie candy bar we used to buy off the ice cream truck.

The State Of The Jenne - 3.17.08

The smile that keeps me going every day!




Nothing to fear nothing to hide..that is what my journal says to me everyday.


Lift me up from the bottom EVERYDAY.


Things are weird. My body is fighting against me like crazy. One part says one thing and the other says no and the meds all stopped working properly. But these things are not what is bothering me. So many people I love are sad and in pain and hurting and I feel so helpless. I wish I could do *something* and it kills me inside. All the therapy in the world could not make that go away. I just wish P could find peace. I even don't know how to write in here properly any more. Sometimes I don't want to bother anyone. Sometimes I feel almost like I can't write in a journal, even if it was just me because when the words come out I am afraid of them. I don't worry about what others think. It's more my own mind. I *can* tell the therapist but I'm not ready to write.
And sometimes when I feel sad for myself, I watch Home Makeover and see the family with a broken trailer and a sick baby and say holy SHIT. I have it so damn good. My husband is a decent, loving man who takes care of us. My daughter is healthy and happy and smart and funny. I'm still here. My car works ok. My home is cluttered but happy and filled with love.
Doctors are still fighting over what meds to give me. I said 'how about none??" and they LAUGHED. Silly bitches!!!


It looks like I am going to be working on losing weight. But half the meds I have been on cause weight gain. It's at the point now where we have to decide what to tackle, and it looks like this: Blood sugar and weight loss are #1. so that is what we will work on. No more lithium for now. the pdoc and therapist will keep tabs on it, and I will be filling out a Mood Chart every day, along with the diabetes chart. I am a CHARTIN FOOL!!!!


It's going to be ok. Because it HAS TO BE OK.


So there's the current contents of my mind. Thank you for reading about me.



Love, your pal,
Jenne

2.27.08

Seen in the ladies room today:

:If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie”.

Many LOL’s ensued following the posting of these little signs.

It reminds me of the one my stepdad had posted near our family pool:
“This is our OOL.
Notice there is no P in it.
Please keep it that way”

In other news, I’m being mentally reevaluated and starting with a new therapist that specializes in female bipolar patients and she is also a well-known grief counselor. The one i had seen is very nice but she works mostly with children, so she found me a Big Girl therapist *grin*.

I have been doing better with this whole mourning thing. I have noticed that people don’t like dealing with a friend in mourning. I had someone actually contact me and say they had a hard time dealing with what i am going through and to not be offended if they don’t respond to me the way they used to. I said, no problem. Because i have the support i need in my family alone and anything extra is just icing on the cake. I appreciate the internet hugs and words of support so very much. I can imagine it’s not fun to read 8 million posts about how sad i am and i really don’t want to be Eeyore/Morrissey all the time, you know?? It’s easy to smile when i think of Bill, because all he did was make me happy/laugh. So don’t be afraid, I’m doing ok. Really. This sucks, but i have to take my father’s advice and do what it takes to be well right now. my family needs me, my friends need me, my job needs me.

It’s so freaking busy here i don’t know how i even find time to eat lunch most days. I enjoy it though. I am doing well in the eyes of my co workers and Boss. My cognitive issues don’t seem to be affecting things here...though i did call my one co worker by the wrong name. i was so mortified!