My new life, it has less teeth. lower blood sugar. a sick tummy. a less scrambled brain. blood work. more energy. it has the same wonderful amount of love and smiles, troubles and falls. I feel different. i feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. these years and years of wondering why, WHY do i not feel right? Why can't i do well in the things i want? why can't i concentrate?? why can't i remember things, important things? why did i do things i am so regretful for? WHY??
So after months and months of talk therapy, Monique mentions ADD. I have mentioned that two of my sisters have it. I began reading about it and talking to people, and after a few weeks i see a psychologist for testing, talk and such. we speak for almost 2 hours, me answering questions for her and describing things. She had requested and received my school records from middle school and high school, and she gave me the official diagnosis.NOT bipolar. ADD. for years i felt like nothing was ever going to be right, even with great people in my life and a loving family and a baby. i just never feel like things are OK. every day, i'm waiting for the bad thing to happen. day in day out, which is then causing me huge amounts of anxiety i can't control.
i began meditating a while ago at MOnique's urging and it has been helping a bit, but the problem was i could NEVER set my mind to it..it would be off wandering, looking for the shiny thing it just saw. I feel now this may be a possibility as last night i tried it before bed. i fell asleep at midnight and did not wake up until Mike came in to kiss me goodbye at 6. this is HUGE for me. i ususally wake uup 10-15 times a night to check that Mike is ok, that Cass is ok. i try to get back to sleep and then those demons enter my brain and scare the crap out of me. Last night, i fought those demons as hard as i could. i asked them to get out of my head, let me be. GIVE ME PEACE. and they left. my dreams were full of win. i think there were turbines even!
This past monday i began taking Adderall. i also started taking iron pills to help my blood. Additionally i went back to face one of my biggest fears - The Dentist. My teeth have been falling apart for a few years and even getting cleanings were painful. i now have a very good hygenist and a very cool and nice dentist. No one judged me, picked on me or hurt me. everything was done with a smile and with respect. afterward, Dr. M and i spoke about what had to be the next step: oral surgery. the removal of 5 teeth. and something to replace them. i'm ready to do this now. i am not afraid. it is going to be ok.
after writing all this, the first thing that comes to mind is "I miss Bill". i want to call him and hear his voice but instead i just talk to him in othe ways. i know he hears me. i know he's there. but man, a years and 3 months later, i'm still feeling like a chunk was ripped out of my heart.
Thanks for reading my blog.