Thursday, March 29, 2007

"if you wrote me off, i'd understand it"

"We hit the bottom..i thought it was my fault..and in a way i guess it was.."

Ben Folds'Landed doesn't just remind me of the end of my first marriage and my leaving the household. it reminds me of the friendships i have lost. Of those who could not deal with what I was. every line of this song reminds me of a moment. of a realization. those times when truly, you open your eyes and realize there is no turning back once you step off that proverbial front porch and go off to the next chapter in your life. you just wake up and say 'this is what has to happen. you have to get your shit together and move have to fly away and let your former partner move on as well'.

"It's over"
(at this moment i am VERY thankful 'Gracie' is the next track')

"we moved to the west coast away from everyone.....

"...back when i was still in love" the way Greg and i moved away from our world of Long Island and thinking this would help make us be more right and how my ever-messed-mind got sicker and sicker and things got worse and worse. we made that decision and realized, to each other's faces for the first time that we didn't love each other the way everyone thought we did, that way that people are supposed to love, support, respect, care for, and a myriad of things that we did not have as a couple, but two good freinds that found each other at a time where we felt so sad and alone after very long relationships ending. He is a great guy, and i would never think of him as anything else. Heck, he's still a a member of our family. Moving away didn't save it. or change it. it made us move away from each other in our minds and hearts.

"until i believed I was the crazy one..and in a way i guess i was"

i feel like Meri is the friend that came to 'pick me up' at the airport. that's totally her when i see this song as a video in my dreams. She's that friend that you always want to be there because even if they say 'i told you so' you know damn well they are right. they're always there and always 'got your back' even when you are at your lowest. a line that always gets me is when ben sings:"if you wrote me off, i'd understand it'cause i've been on some other planet"all the times i expected to lose EVERY that i loved..that i'd understand if they said 'I've had enough and "wrote me off".I remember the day i knew it was time for me to get out and go.i picked Greg up at work and told him i needed to go. move to New York.I'd even spoken to Colleen who offered to get an apartment with me.a month later, i left the Poconos for good and many things hurt that day,but a line in this song fit's it perfectly."and it's Bye Bye, Goodbye, I tried"and i really, really did.but i continued to borrow from another song, made those 'wrong turns and stumbles' that brought me here'and here I am.

In today's Boston Globe was a great interview with Ben and in one question they asked him about 'Late', the song he wrote for Elliott Smith and was it hard to write. His response was so great."it wasn't hard to write, but it was a hard song to let go of and put out. I wanted it to be true and respectful and not melodramatic, and i wanted it to be a song Elliott would like. He was an inspiration.His music was a rock for me"once agin, it feels so good that some i admire and respect and whose music helps me so much feels the same way about Elliott. it's so comforting to know that even a musician you admire shows the loss we all felt by Elliott's leaving.well damn. i've been carrying all these words for a week or so. it felt good to get them out.

i hope one day i get to meet Ben and shake his hand and even though i can never share the many things he's helped me through, just a moment to say "thank you" and to quote "Late","the songs you wrote got me through a lot"

thanks for reading my words, and the words of others i share.
Thanks for being my friends, also.


'treading the sea of her troubled mind'

prayer for my friends

i draw strength from the Goddess Bast for Protection and pray for my loved ones.

i pray for she and he with problems driving them apart.
that the problems can be fought and the battle won.
I pray for she who struggles so.
the tears that flow.
may they finallydissapate and bring forth peace and joy.
I pray for He who suffers in his heart.
may he see that True Love will conquer alland see that the Perfect Trust is within.
it may be currently hiding, but it exists.
i pray for She who waits paitiently for The News.
I pray the news is the news she wants.
I pray for safe journey for the small visitor.
i pray for They who seek the fix to what ails.
I pray for They who feel the end is near.
I pray for They who think it never gets better.
Goddess Bast, watch over them.
Protect them.Bring the peace that is wanted.
And Needed.
Protect my dear friends.

With Perfect Love and Perfect Trust

Proudest Monkey

my heart beats just waiting for your acknowledgement of my presence and my eyes tear up at the thought that you aren't really there anyway. it was just a simple mistake. a false feeling and i realize that my mind was just playing tricks on me. i reach out with a hand that goes numb from the chill in the air. nothing comes back except a few bits of dust. for a brief moment you grinned at me and then it just fades away. don't go, don't leave i cry. but you do go. you go too far for my reach and the tears come again.

*guitar solo*

highlighting highlighting. words in medical terms that mean absolutley nothing to me."pinch me", she says and highlights another page. her hands are sticky from the odd gell that the boss gave her to keep her fingers sticky when sorting pages. it is called SortQwik and it reeks like old shoes and pomegranates. this cup of coffee is her 2nd of the day and it continues to get colder and colder like the heart of one long gone. what is that strange feeling in my tummy she wonders and hopes it decides to depart soon.

*drum beat*

store 24 you treat me weekly to a cup of coffee after a week of purchasing my morning cup from you daily. is this a reward for my loyalty to your cheaper priced coffee instead of the Good Old Double D? the coworkers thrive on Dunkin Donuts and Starfucks but you reward me with that free cup every week. Therefore i am forever your bitch, Store 24.

*rockin' tambourine*

Ted Leo. Theodore Leo and his band of Pharmacists. They are not pharmacists, but musicians. The cd Hearts of Oak has been a constant source of sanity for me. Ted speaks the words that make me feel better. Ted was born the same day as my brother and my boyfriend. Ted sings the truth. Ted writes songs that make me think and dance. Ted wrote a song about Boston and all its Bridges and Squares. Ted exists. This makes me happy.

*soothing vocals*

Silverchair is a band you should try if you have not already.

*drum again*

now i will retreat back into my brain.

For I am the Proudest Monkey.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

visit with Dad and Di.

i have returned from my journey to see my father and his family. it was very very very good. My relationship with my father and his wife has been strengthened and it feels great. they have bonded with my daughter as well. they had tears in thier eyes saying goodbye to her. we honestly have become a family again. i know my stepdad, Jack, would be so proud of me. He stressed to me before his death to try and work things out. to forgive and move on. i extended the olive brach in late 2004 and it's gotten better and better. one of the best things about my wedding day was my father being there even though it was very hard for him. but he not only came, he sat with my mother and exchanged memories and pleasantries. he's grown up so much. he is a great Dad to my sisters and i feel he is doing the same for me now. he is also a wonderful Grandpa to Cassidy. i'm so proud of him, and proud to be his daughter. His wife, Diane, is only 9 years older than me an our relationship has gotten better too. We respect each other as mothers and i feel we have formed a real bond as friends now too.

more posting soon. thanks for waiting for me.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

excitement galore!

Oh my my...i am starting..another blog!!!

well, this is going to be fun. really. i have been an Live Journal junkie for 4 years now,

but that's a 'friends only blah blah blah' place and i really feel like talking somewhere like this as well.

I've been the NiftyWench since 1993, when Karin Weiner and I were hanging out at a Kinko's with cute punk rock boys that taught us how to get free business cards from a machine. one of them was 'Ben Jones - All Around Nifty Guy'. This inspired me and i became 'Jenne Foronjy - All Around Nifty Wench'. the name has traveled with me since then. i shed it for some time because it reminded me of a person i no longer wish to be. But i realized recently i will ALWAYS be the NiftyWench. There is no changing that.

i am healing from round two of Carpal Tunnel release surgery and i promised myself that i would get back to writing at this point. So here i am.

I am a mom, a wife, an artist, a family girl, a friend, a musician.

i am not thin. i am strong. i am mostly happy. "partly happy", like a weather forecast. i am manic depressive. i am smart. i love. i care.

and i really, really love to write. about everything from my adopted home town of Boston to my family life to my job to music and all things pop culture. i hope you'll think to come back and read once in a while.

off to a meeting...please leave a comment to let me know you were here.

The Niftywench,