Thursday, March 29, 2007

"if you wrote me off, i'd understand it"

"We hit the bottom..i thought it was my fault..and in a way i guess it was.."

Ben Folds'Landed doesn't just remind me of the end of my first marriage and my leaving the household. it reminds me of the friendships i have lost. Of those who could not deal with what I was. every line of this song reminds me of a moment. of a realization. those times when truly, you open your eyes and realize there is no turning back once you step off that proverbial front porch and go off to the next chapter in your life. you just wake up and say 'this is what has to happen. you have to get your shit together and move have to fly away and let your former partner move on as well'.

"It's over"
(at this moment i am VERY thankful 'Gracie' is the next track')

"we moved to the west coast away from everyone.....

"...back when i was still in love" the way Greg and i moved away from our world of Long Island and thinking this would help make us be more right and how my ever-messed-mind got sicker and sicker and things got worse and worse. we made that decision and realized, to each other's faces for the first time that we didn't love each other the way everyone thought we did, that way that people are supposed to love, support, respect, care for, and a myriad of things that we did not have as a couple, but two good freinds that found each other at a time where we felt so sad and alone after very long relationships ending. He is a great guy, and i would never think of him as anything else. Heck, he's still a a member of our family. Moving away didn't save it. or change it. it made us move away from each other in our minds and hearts.

"until i believed I was the crazy one..and in a way i guess i was"

i feel like Meri is the friend that came to 'pick me up' at the airport. that's totally her when i see this song as a video in my dreams. She's that friend that you always want to be there because even if they say 'i told you so' you know damn well they are right. they're always there and always 'got your back' even when you are at your lowest. a line that always gets me is when ben sings:"if you wrote me off, i'd understand it'cause i've been on some other planet"all the times i expected to lose EVERY that i loved..that i'd understand if they said 'I've had enough and "wrote me off".I remember the day i knew it was time for me to get out and go.i picked Greg up at work and told him i needed to go. move to New York.I'd even spoken to Colleen who offered to get an apartment with me.a month later, i left the Poconos for good and many things hurt that day,but a line in this song fit's it perfectly."and it's Bye Bye, Goodbye, I tried"and i really, really did.but i continued to borrow from another song, made those 'wrong turns and stumbles' that brought me here'and here I am.

In today's Boston Globe was a great interview with Ben and in one question they asked him about 'Late', the song he wrote for Elliott Smith and was it hard to write. His response was so great."it wasn't hard to write, but it was a hard song to let go of and put out. I wanted it to be true and respectful and not melodramatic, and i wanted it to be a song Elliott would like. He was an inspiration.His music was a rock for me"once agin, it feels so good that some i admire and respect and whose music helps me so much feels the same way about Elliott. it's so comforting to know that even a musician you admire shows the loss we all felt by Elliott's leaving.well damn. i've been carrying all these words for a week or so. it felt good to get them out.

i hope one day i get to meet Ben and shake his hand and even though i can never share the many things he's helped me through, just a moment to say "thank you" and to quote "Late","the songs you wrote got me through a lot"

thanks for reading my words, and the words of others i share.
Thanks for being my friends, also.


'treading the sea of her troubled mind'


ASHMC2 said...

Away for over a week and come back with 3 posts. LOL. And Deep thoughts at that. Glad to have you back.

Later, Ash out.

Ivy said...

I hope all is well! how are you doing?