Friday, December 18, 2009

"I'm not ashamed - i'm gonna show my scar"


Billy left us two years ago and while the world has been a much quieter place, We carry on and we sing about him, speak about him and his spirit is alive in SO many of us. The music he loved brings us great memories, and moments to bawl our eyes out. But music is what has helped hold me together in the pain of losing my dearest and very first friend, a sibling who helped me to make it through the toughest times. Little did I know his leaving this world so early would be the toughest times yet. And what did I look to in those darkest moments? MUSIC. Some turned to Faith, some turned to therapy, so didn’t turn to anything or anyone. In those first few months, I immersed myself in music. I would go out for a drive, by myself, and play songs that i could sing along or scream along to. Even in the days we were in Virginia Beach, music came to comfort me, to help me confront my feelings, my pain. I feel that Bill would send me this music – i turn on the radio and The Offspring’s “Gone Away” would instantly start. Another day, i’m driving around in the freezing rain, feeling despondent and lost, and the radio begins Smashing Pumpkins ‘Muzzle’, which i feel is Bill’s song. It’s not a song you would usually hear on the radio. I sang along and sobbed through it and ended up stopping the car, screaming alone in the car, angry at those people that blew up New York, angry at Sarcoid for existing, and even angry at Bill for leaving me, for leaving us. After bruising my hands and arms from beating the car, right afterwards “Your Spirit’s Alive” by the Dropkick Murphys came on – and i felt the hint through the music. Bill’s spirit is alive, in me, in all of us, in our nephews and my daughter. Two years later, my scar of loss is still healing, and it opens up here and there to help me get the hurt out some more. But I feel that peace has finally started to come to me. Somehow, i woke up yesterday morning and felt OK. I felt Bill smiling at me from somewhere and telling me he was ok, and get up and have an AWESOME day. Which is exactly what i did. I will continue to Carry On, live my life to the fullest and honor my brother however I can. THANK YOU to everyone who has supported us, Bill’s Friends and Family, through these two years. I leave you with my usual signature of lyrics. These being from My Chemical Romance, from a CD given to me by a great lady and I hope she knows how much it means to me, even all these years later.

“And when you're gone we want you all to know

We'll carry on, We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
Until my heart I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it”

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